What It’s Really Like To Date The Boy ‘In The Band’


Well, I don’t date the whole band but it certainly feels like it.

Being in a committed relationship with an almost-making-it musician is one of the most challenging things I have ever done. At first, I loved it. It was like being showered with love and affection at all the right times and getting to drink wine with my girlfriends in between. I felt free, creatively understood, and most of all intrigued. I liked that I was finally with someone who had a “thing.” Boys who don’t have a thing (not anatomically speaking) are not only dull but are the worst possible specimens to align yourself with if you fancy yourself a creative person. Boys with things like to stay up until 2 a.m. and talk about the human condition. Boys without things like to fall asleep at 10 p.m. after ritualistic sex and a good dose of ESPN.

Anyways, that’s an entirely different thought.

This thought is meant to make sense of the often nonsensical world of a traveling musician. Like I said, at first it felt too good to be true. All the love minus the suffocation and none of the drama plus the adventure. This was, of course, before I fell in love. Suddenly one day, I think it might have been a Tuesday afternoon, my entire thought process had flipped inside out and punched me in the gut. All of these thoughts began swirling about in my already neurotic skull, most of which had no concrete evidence or any logic behind them at all.

“Wait, so if I think he’s a good drummer and that his freckles are cute, that means other girls might, too!”
“Actually, it’s kind of like he is at a giant party every night for a job, I want to be at a giant party every night for a job.”
“When he says ‘I miss you’ what does he MEAN by that?”
“Did any girls ask him to sign their boobs tonight?”
“How famous do you have to be until girls start asking you to sign their boobs?”
“I only get to be exposed to a select pool of people on an everyday basis, he gets to see all kinds of cool people.”
“Am I a cool enough person to compare to the new cool people?”
“I wonder if he’d sign my boobs.”

I’m sure you can see how the thoughts would continue to evolve from that point forward. The deep, unrelenting, magical, dizzying love that had infiltrated my life had suddenly shifted the way I looked at dating this man. I could have let myself drown in pool of insecurity, and I actually did for a week or so (shout out Colorado Tour 2016-never forget) but I made myself stop, because all the good was drowning with it.

From this point forward, I had to remember I was his biggest fan-the groupie of all groupies-the real life Penny Lane of the Band Aids.

It wasn’t about me anymore, and chasing his dream was the only reason he would allow himself to be away from me for nights at a time. When I go to see him play now, I watch him a little more intensely. I don’t just listen to the music, I watch his hands move and the way his eyes light up when he feels himself playing well. I take less time to chat and drink a beer and more time to take in why this is so important to him. If, for any moment, he had told me to stop writing-I would never look at him the same way again.

So, forget the girl in the front row who is clearly single and even more clearly desperate-he’s trying really hard not to look at her fake boobs just to make you feel good. Forget the long trips and the late nights, he’s thinking of you every set break and even during the silly love songs. Finding someone as creatively driven, unconventional, open-minded, and free-spirited as you are is quite possibly the scariest, most unexpected, and challenging thing that could ever happen-but you are damn lucky they chose you to come along for the ride.

It’s definitely abnormal, sometimes anything but stable, but it means home is with him and not some place on a map.

Sure, he’s technically in two committed relationships but so are you; all it means is you have to share your conditioner with the bass player, compliment the guitarist’s shoes, and make sure you let the keyboardist know he’s funny as shit. If your guy has to date someone else at the same time, at least it’s three really authentic and good-hearted boys, it could be worse. Moment by moment and day by day it really is an adventure and I would rather face a fear or two than be anywhere but here. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Publicly sharing moments of clarity and spite. Working on the latter.

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