I never got the chance to say goodbye for good, probably because I didn’t really think it was the end. I can’t seem to muster up the words for what losing you has felt like, but it feels like a part of me has died.
The part of me that was connected to you is something I will never get back, and you will have it with you forever whether you know it or not. The part that was made up of crying together until we realized the reasons we were crying were actually funny. The part that was made up of holding each other’s hands and not letting go for anything. The part that made me reach for my phone and call you when absolutely anything happened-funny, sad, scary, or incredible. You were always proud of me; when I got my first newspaper job, when I wrote my first article, when I was doing what we had always talked about. When you were happy, I was happy, and when you were breaking I could feel my heart break too. I felt myself crumble when you weren’t doing your best, and I remember wanting to hug you so close so you could know this feeling wouldn’t be forever.
We had our own language of love, as silly as that sounds, but I don’t have another way to explain it. I could physically feel a rush of pure happiness when we would get going on our nonsensical rants. We never cared who was watching, or what they thought, because the two of us were always in our own insane, hysterical bought of laughter. We didn’t care who thought we were funny, because we knew that no one else could match our wit. Our jokes made no sense, but that’s probably what made them so good.
Everyone knew us as a part of the other-when you weren’t around people would ask for you and if no one could find me they knew I was probably with you. We were a package deal. You accepted me for all of me-my stinky feet, anxious brain, impulsive decisions, and worst of all my selfishness. What happened to us wasn’t something easy, but I never thought it would break up the tie I held on to so closely.
Losing you was like starting all over and you come into my every day thoughts more often than I would like. I’m sorry I didn’t see what I was losing, and I’m sorry I couldn’t be happy for you when we were at our lowest. I was jealous and angry and living in the moment-not seeing that my forever would never be the same again.
It hurts now when people ask for you and how you’re doing.
I try to smile and say “I think she’s doing well” and change the subject as fast as I can. Sometimes I have to walk away and cry, even if it’s for a second, because I can’t believe we are going through life without each other-that I really don’t know how you are doing.
This is probably one of the hardest things I will ever have to swallow. You were the girl I told everything to, things that I wouldn’t even admit to myself.
You were my go-to, the one I called at 3 am to tell how bad I fucked up, the one who I could cry on your couch and let snot run all over the pillows and you wouldn’t even get that mad. You were it. You got it. You could look at me and burst out laughing because the two of us were thinking the same thing, somehow at the same time. This could be the biggest mistake of my life.
You will never know how much I want you here for the little moments.
When I finally found the man I love, the man I will be with forever. When I take a screen shot of something only we would get, but then remember I can’t send it to you. When I fight with my sister or cry about my mom. I will never be there for your little moments, but I will follow you from far away. I see how happy you are and all you are doing with your life. I’m proud of you. I am filled to the brim with fucking love for you. And I will never forget what you’ve done for me and how absolutely perfect you were for my being. I hope you one day will see this and remember the good, too. I don’t want this to be forever, and sometimes I hope maybe you are thinking the same.