I’ve spent the last 10 years crying out loud for help when the answers to my questions were always whispering inside of me, but I could never hear them.
Friends, ex-boyfriends, aunts, sisters, grandparents- I’m sorry I asked you for love stories, memories, secrets, anecdotes, words of wisdom, times of failure, moments of regret, and so many it will be okays.
I thought your experiences could help me, that your stories could heal me—but it can’t until I’ve written my own.
I’m sorry I put so much pressure on you to try to fix me. I’m sorry that I thought it was your responsibility to hold me up when I was falling. I love all of you, and your words did not disappear into thin air though it may seem that way, I really was listening. I think that maybe, I just needed to stop ignoring my own voice before yours could speak to me. For all of the I’m sorry’s that I’m famous for giving away, I am ready to say sorry to myself.
To My Soul:
You are going to be alright. Right now it feels like you’re drowning and have forgotten how to swim. But it won’t feel that way forever, I promise.
I’m sorry I have driven you to this point, that I have ignored you and was so scared of you all along. I’m sorry I never took the chance to know you. I’m sorry I thought that a boy’s love, admiration from a stranger, prideful remarks from my dad, a laugh from a joke, praise at work, or any other feeling could fill you up, for they were only temporary.
I starved you and never fed you with a single thing you were looking for. I kept throwing garbage into you. I’m sorry I have gone 25 years without listening. I’m sorry I never turned to you for help or advice. I’m sorry I never relied on you. I’m sorry I’ve hated you and drowned you with bad decisions. I never learned your lessons and repeatedly stabbed you with the same mistakes. I never took your advice or the instincts you were SHOUTING at me.
I’m sorry I based my worth on what others said about me or what I perceived from them. Because you, you are the only one who defines what and who I am and I have never considered it until now.
From now on, I will listen. I will fill you up with stories about strength through struggle. I’ll pour diaries of people I admire, humorous memoirs, and theories about the universe into you.
I will paint pictures and words that are inspiring and uplifting. I will let you shine. I will stop being envious of others (when I can help it). I will practice what I preach. My words and thoughts and actions will be harmonious. I will let go of what no longer belongs to me, and hope that those things find their place in this world, too. I will nourish you with good food and take you on walks whenever I can.
I will let you rule me once in a while, instead of my neurotic brain. I will do what is best, not what is easy, and I will trust that you will always heal me when I hurt.
I won’t ask anyone a question before I ask myself. I won’t keep suffocating you and I will let you grow. I will be strong and enjoy my solitude. I’ll be grateful for the Friday nights in making future plans and healing myself. I’ll stop letting sadness take up so much space, and make room for funny stuff. I can’t promise I won’t stop crying, but I can try to make more of them happy tears.
I’ll start finishing (or starting) projects that I know will be fulfilling. I won’t be scared to travel (well I might be, but I will do it anyways). I will let the past be a chapter I don’t re-read every day, but instead be one that I reflect on once in a while to see how far I’ve come. I won’t hurt people because I am hurt. I will always say sorry first. I will be grateful for people. I will never give up hope. I will stop taking away from you, and today I’ll start to give.