I feel like a pig.
No, it’s not the entire bag of White Cheddar Puffy Cheetos I just ate in one sitting…that barely phased me.
But it’s this thing called college that makes me feel like swine.
In my messed up brain, college is very similar to pig farming. We all come to the farm as little piglet freshman, new to the world and excited by everything. Our professors and mentors are our farmers, herding us into the pens and farmhouses of success, motivating us with various words of affirmation that somehow keep our little piggy tails wagging.
The Caf is our trough – a smorgasbord of delectability used solely as a way to fatten us up. There’s four years of blissful farm life: hot summer days spent rolling around in mud (date parties), watching the cows get herded around like a bunch of animals (Greek rush). Honestly, to my little piggy mind, it doesn’t get any better than this.
Then they do it.
They freaking slaughter you. They make you graduate.
Pretty soon, college seniors across the country will be donning graduation gowns, attempting to squeeze a too small, dinner-plate-like graduation cap onto their oversized egos heads. They’ll walk on stage terrified 5th graders inside 22-year-old bodies and walk off that stage…well…terrified 5th graders inside 22-year-old bodies with diplomas.
Don’t get me wrong, you learn a lot in college. You learn to never walk down the main lawn at 10:30, 1:30 or 3:30 or else you’ll make awkward eye contact with every person you have ever met in your life. You learn that the Chinese food buffet in the Union should only be eaten when every other line is at least 30 people long…wait, no 40 people. Hell, it should never be eaten.
But did those special moments teach me what it’s like as a post-grad where the highlight of my week is the newest episode of “The Voice”? Heck. No.
3 Reasons Why Growing Up Isn’t For Everyone
1. Car washes still scare the hell out of me.
No, not like those cheerleader in bikinis, lets-raise-money-by-showing-off-our-bods car washes – although that does sound like my worst nightmare – but those gas station car washes where you just drive into that little cave of water and soapy magic.
First off, it’s terrifying/confusing to even get in there. What if my tires miss those little tracks that move my car forward? Will my car just explode? I know it says “STOP” on that big light up sign, but it really looks like the end of my car is still sticking out…Maybe I shouldn’t trust that sign and move forward a little.
And then, once you’re in there, it’s like a scene from “Saw.” The noises, the claustrophobia of the soap covering the windows. Around the second spraying of water, I honestly think my windows won’t be able to take it and the water will shatter them, thus leading me to my watery grave inside my car without ever finding true love or a Forever 21 shirt that actually fits right.
But then again, I could be making all of this phobia up as an excuse to never wash my car.
2. I can never finish a game of Monopoly.
I have never hated my family more than the moment I landed on Park Place with two hotels. Honestly, Monopoly is a clear indication of how you will manage your finances in the future. If that’s the case, I’m going to buy my homes solely based off the color of their paint job (Sure I’ll take Baltic Ave! Purple is my fav color!) and then when my home gets foreclosed on, I’m going to flip some furniture over in anger, take my thimble and get the hell out of there.
3. My skill set is very limited.
If there was a way to find a major where my skills could be utilized, I would do it. Sadly, the most impressive thing I’m good at currently is being able to blindly navigate my iPhone passcode in the sunlight when my brightness is turned all the way down. (Do you think I could put that on my resume?)
But you know what? Despite what we all are taught in life, you’re not supposed to graduate college and know what you want to do for the rest of your existence. In college, you’re supposed to learn how to learn, how to lead, how to network and how to be self-motivated. College is all about the ups and downs. College is supposed to make you terrified for the future, because thanks to college, our futures are all pretty bright.
Okay enough sappy stuff, college is also supposed to make you realize why Burnett’s is only 5 dollars.