This Is How You Date The ‘Nice Asshole’

Guy sitting on roof
Hannah Busing

Before I begin with uncovering the guidelines on dealing with nice assholes, let me define the term for you. Ever wondered how to call a guy who’s exceptionally “nice” in general, who will make you feel special but expects you not to assume anything, who’d call you almost three times a day, checks on how you’re doing and sends you cute messages and at the same time denies the fact that there is something significant between both of you? Yep, that’s a nice asshole.

Nice assholes are basically those guys who try to make you feel something but expect you to feel nothing at all. He will take you to movies and casual dinners and coffee on a Saturday night but would not admit that he’s into you. You would want to leave this kind of limbo relationship but he’s NICE, and that prevents you from going after what’s really meant for you – a real relationship. BEWARE of this kind of guy, who makes you feel butterflies in your stomach but convinces you to kill them at once.

These are the guidelines for dealing with this type of guy.

1. Identify intention.

I’d rather go out with a guy who would be honest enough to say that he’s just flirting with me, or saying upfront that he doesn’t want any labels. At the very least, the intention is defined. If he really likes you, he would later on define that or define it firsthand. Knowing the intention is the key part in knowing if a guy is a nice asshole or just nice. Actually, it’s really helpful in knowing how you should act around him. If he says he’d like to just have a good time, and you’re willing to, then by all means go. If he says he’s just a friend, then do not give anything more than that (friends don’t touch each other romantically). If he says he likes you and you want to get to know him, then you can try to see if it would be worth something.

The problem is that nice assholes usually do “NOT KNOW” how they feel. When asked how they feel about you, their answer will almost always start with “I don’t know.” It’s always “I don’t know but I’m really happy when you’re around” or “I don’t know but I’m comfortable with you” or “I don’t know but let’s see how this goes.” They hide at the back of this statement, so they can have the best of both worlds – having a sort-of-kind-of-girlfriend and being single at the same time. Do not give out privileges to these types of guys. By all means, before going out with someone, define the intention.

2. Set boundaries.

Nice assholes are guys who are so good at taking but never at giving. So once you have a slight desire to go out with one, try to set the terms and conditions of what you are doing. None of us would want to be “in love” with someone who didn’t know how to reciprocate our feelings. A guy who’s really into you would respect these limits and would try to make you feel that you can let your guard down; they’d make you feel like it’s okay to fall because they will catch you. Yes, as cheesy as it may sound. The point is a nice asshole would prefer a one way street. It is important to know when to cross the line and when to not. Do not allow yourself to be used.

3. Leave.

I always give this advice as the last option, after we’ve exhausted all possible ways to handle someone. I learned to give the benefit of the doubt to everyone, allowing ourselves to get to know each other equally and then figuring out along the way what to do. Once you observe that you are going out with a nice asshole, stop whatever it is on and move along. Nice assholes will never change, unless they meet someone whom they really like, which will oblige them to define their intention and follow conditions and put their best foot forward. Nice assholes will continue being “nice” to you while using you at the same time.

A guy who’s really into you would stop giving you mixed signals and would definitely make it clear to you that they want to be with you. More importantly, you would be able to see genuine effort and care. But ‘nice’ guys who go out with you but won’t admit or show that they like you are definitely not worth waiting for. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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