An Open Letter To The Coward I Think I Love

I can never forget how it all started. You caught my attention in ways others can’t. After all those years that I’ve been regretful and bitter of my past, you made me smile again. You send me sweet nothings and surprise me with little things. It feels so natural, real.

Knowing my clingy self I’ve become too attached. Did I scare you off? I think I did. But don’t get me wrong dear, that was me wanting to be assured. After all of the heartaches I’ve had before, you can never blame me. My life has been shattered and my heart was already too fragile. I just need to protect myself. I’m sorry.

You distance yourself from me for a time, and I made myself occupied, busy with things. I traveled, breathe all the negative things out with yoga and just focused on whatever is happening around me. And then one day, communication lines opened again. I was the happiest monkey.

It wasn’t like what we were before but there surely is something special. Everyone around us knows what we are, except for us. We go on dates. We tell each other how our day was. We share stories only us understands. We have each other but not really.

Time came when we don’t message or see each other as often as it has to be. Hours became days, days became weeks. Oh you have no idea how much you made me miss you, how much I longed for you. But I can’t do anything because I don’t want you to see how needy I am of you. The horror of losing you scared me.

You became my weakness, my kryptonite. No matter how much I want to hate you, the mere thought of you brings so much joy to my heart. There were moments I want to throw the white flag and just leave, but when you look at me, your eyes tell me to stay. Your hugs don’t want me to let go. Your little kisses beg me to hold on. You make everything so easy and hard for me. You made me different. You numbed my being.

“You are the only one I date, I like, I want. I want to love you, but I’m too damaged you may never understand. Labels and commitments terrify me. I don’t want to hurt you, but am I hurting you already?“, you said. “I don’t know, if I acknowledge the pain I might actually feel it so I just ignore it.” I replied. “I’m sorry,” then you hugged me. And there I was back at one.

I ask myself more than a hundred times, what is it about me that is too hard to love. Am I not worth committing with? When I know for a fact how much love I can give. How lucky you are to be given the love I have kept inside me for years. How lucky you are to have me think you deserve my love even after how badly I’ve been hurt before. How lucky you are to make me want to love again.

A lightning of reality struck me one night with courage to tell you what I really feel and sent you the longest message I composed in case this moment comes.

“… I’m sorry. Like you, I am afraid to take risks. I don’t want to get into things and situations that I would just regret in the long run. But as much as I’m afraid, I am willing too. Willing to forget all the buts and ifs and just get on with it, with you. We don’t talk often, and see each other and I understand. What bothers me is, I don’t think you like and want me as much as I do. And it saddens me, a lot. I understand that you have more important things to think about, and a whole lot more to handle. I don’t demand anything anymore from you, but all I ask is the truth. The truth that won’t left me hanging. The one that answers the questions I have in my mind. The one that would bring peace and a little respect for myself. I’m happy and I feel so special whenever we’re together but not when we’re apart. I feel alone in this. Sorry. I want you, I’m sure of that. I want to tell myself I love you but I’m scared. I would want to take the risk with you if you are ready to hold my hand. If not, I would be willing to wait until the time you are, but if you think that time won’t come, kiss and hug me one last time, at least goodbye wouldn’t be as painful as I would imagine it to be.”

“I don’t know what to say.” you replied.

My heart pounded so hard, and I cried, as if my eyes were fountain of tears. Because even after all of that, I still can’t hate you. I don’t know what I have become anymore. I want myself back, but I want you too.

Can you give me both? All of me and all of you? Or you can just set me free.

I want an answer even if it is the hardest truth.

From the girl who is brave and stupid enough to lose herself for love.