I Do Not Want Him Anymore

Steven Guzzardi
Steven Guzzardi

I woke up one morning and felt a different type of beautiful.

I was liberated. It felt like someone cracked a window, releasing fresh oxygen into a stuffy room. I was not suffocating anymore. I had a grasp on my own life again, and he did not consume me. I gave a little part of myself to him, and he held on for dear life, until one day it slipped from his grip, and found its way back to me. I did not wrestle it from his hands, or beg for him to give it back. It just came back on its own, and that’s how I knew it was real this time.

When someone holds onto a piece of your heart, you cannot beg for the missing piece, or force your heart to mend. It just happens. I spent too many hours analyzing the meaning behind, “This can’t work, I just like you too much,” and too many days missing something that never existed the way I recall. He held me captive in his world, and I used to be okay with that. When you force yourself not to hurt anymore, or try to prove how “better off you are now,” you regress.

The urge to stay in contact with him has subsided. The longing for the “relationship that never truly was” has disappeared. I do not want him anymore and I do not need to force myself to “not want him.” He showed me what love was not. He showed me that words can sometimes just be words, and he put more effort into gaining my love than giving me his.

Never settle for almost love, or almost anything. I have gained an appreciation for myself-my beauty, as well as my self-worth. I sold myself short and gave myself to him, and he could not handle all of me. The more you force yourself to prove that you are worth something, the harder it is to believe that you are. I realized that my efforts to show him what he lost will forever be unsuccessful, because he always believed he deserved my love.

It can be so difficult to grasp the idea that someone can own you-control you, be a part of you, without any effort. I never realized how trapped I was until I escaped. I am no longer restricted by thoughts of winning him back. The second I relinquished myself, everything changed for the better. I have realized that the key to finding yourself is to stop looking. I spent too much time trying to change myself, construct a person worthy of being desired. The second I stopped expelling all of my energy into proving something to him, I was able to put my energy into bettering myself.

Sometimes we lose sight of the idea that we own our life. We are our own facilitators of change. I have gained freedom from the restraints that kept me from pursuing what I wanted for my life.

It took time, but sometimes time is the only way out. TC mark

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