You were not a bad guy. You were just bad for me.
I fell for the parts of you that were good and kind and beautifully poetic. The distance was hard, but it was also my comfort zone. I wanted you around more often. I wanted to see you. It just did not work out like that. I was still figuring out who I am, and your job kept you far away. I truly was okay with there being distance between us. It was definitely not my first choice. But, it was something I would happily deal with if that meant I could keep you in my life. I knew you were not perfect. To me, that made you even more beautiful. I thought so highly of you. I would have followed you to the ends of the earth if you had asked.
Then, out of the blue, you told me that I deserved more. You threw together a whole slew of excuses that were supposed to sound honorable and make me believe that you were only looking out for my best interest. They were choreographed all too well. That was when I knew. There was someone else.
I didn’t tell you that I knew for a while. I didn’t realize that I was slowly changing over this time. I was afraid to say what was on my mind. I stopped asking you even the simplest questions because you would get mad at me. I was scared of how you would react to almost everything I said. It made me wonder what you would be like if we had been having the arguments in person instead of over the phone.
You told me again and again how much I “deserve more.” At the time, I thought you meant that I deserved more than the complex relationship we had. I now realize that I was wrong about you and about what you were saying. I do not deserve more than the situations I am in. I do, however, deserve more than you.
That revelation took me a long time to understand. I could not process the idea of someone truly caring about me.
Several weeks ago, I met an amazing guy. We live about an hour to an hour and a half apart. He has gone out of his way to make sure that we can see each other a few times a week. I am not exactly the most exciting college student. I do psychology research, am on budgeting committees, and am constantly at different meetings for clubs I help or conferences I am going to. For reasons I cannot fathom, he actually wants to hear about what I do. This is more firmly rooted into my mind because you never asked me what I wanted to do with my life. My ambitions didn’t seem to matter.
When I went to meet his brother, he made dinner for all of us. After having so many operations from breaking my back and complications from that, my senses have changed. This means that I am an incredibly picky eater. So many things make me nauseous to even smell. He remembered the things that I can eat and made them. I was very touched to see how much effort he had put into it all. I knew he had listened to me as I rambled on about life. It was then that I started to see how much you truly did not care about me.
After we all had dinner, he told me that he had cheesecake. My birthday had been two months prior to this. I had been talking about how excited I was that my sister had gotten me cheesecake because I love that stuff like it had been sent directly to earth from God Himself. Of course, I was surprised that he remembered all of that and impressed that he had gone to such lengths for me. That was when I realized that he had made me a homemade cheesecake. That heavenly dish takes hours to make. It has to be planned out at least a day in advance. I was totally speechless. Total disbelief. He cared enough about me to do all of that because he remembered me talking about it months before this happened.
That was the moment that it totally clicked in my head. I saw with perfect clarity what you meant when you said that I “deserve more.” Sadly, this was also the moment I knew that I would never believe that I would be worthy of someone so incredible. You have torn me down too much. I will never stop trying to be good enough for him. I will continue to treat him with the same respect and adoration that I have had since the day we met. That respect and care gets stronger every time I talk to him.
The more time I spend with him, the more I know that he is really good for me. I am very slowly learning that it is okay to be vulnerable. I can say whatever is on my mind without fear of repercussion. I can ask him anything and know that he will hear me out and answer honestly. He has allowed me to be strong and independent and live my life while giving me someone to want to share all of that with every night.
Life is not always easy. I wondered how he would take it when something bad happened. It did not take long before something came up.
This week I have been really sick from medicine changes (recovery from breaking my back). Instead of pretending that life was totally normal, he put on my favorite (ridiculously cheesy) 70s tv shows and stayed with me for hours. He actually watched several hours’ worth of bad quality, boring episodes. When you and I met, I was still going through a lot while recovering from back surgery. I had only been walking a month. I actually had to tell you to ask me about how I was doing.
Although I am sure I would have appreciated who he is to some degree, I have an entirely different kind of respect for him than I would have had if you hadn’t treated me so poorly.
I used to think that I was not good enough for you. I now see what I “deserve” and how you were never good enough to me. Thank you for breaking my heart. For now, I can truly love and be loved in a way I would not have imagined before.
From now to forever, I will always go with the man who will make cheesecakes and hold me when I am sick.