I am still not sure what exactly went wrong between us. Four months after you cut ties, I am finally starting to move on. You are no longer in my thoughts all day and night. The crushing blow of losing someone I care about so much has turned into an ache.
It never fully goes away. My only consolation is knowing that I deserve to be treated better than you treated me. That hurts as much as its potential to heal because you were not always a jerk. The day after we started talking, I knew things were going to end badly. I cannot explain how much I could feel in my heart that you were going to be trouble. Some good did come out of knowing you.
I am stronger and more stubborn. I know what I want in relationships now (because I know exactly what I do NOT want). I can’t decide of the good even comes close to outweighing the bad, though. I lost who I am as a person because I allowed you to convince me to change. You are so good at manipulating others to get what you want.
You are more impressive at it than anyone I have ever met. Despite the fact that towards the end you treated me like absolute crap and completely disregarded my opinions and feelings, I still care about you. I have an inkling that I always will.
When people ask me about you, I have no idea how to respond. I tend to be a very private person in some regards. I can count on one hand how many people know that things between us ended, let alone how devastated I was when I had to shove you out of my life to save myself. It’s been four months since I found out and six weeks since you finally figured out how to leave me alone. You were playing a game, and I fell for the player. Maybe I fell for you harder than I am willing to admit.
Every time you cross my mind, I feel sick. And the more time I spent reflecting on our relationship, the more I realize how much you underestimated me. You seem to think I am a whole lot stupider than I am. I can’t figure out why you wanted to keep me in your back pocket. News flash: I am no one’s back up plan.
I feel like I got Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde-ed. You totally changed. You were no longer the man I had been falling for. I have no idea where that person went. Perhaps he went in search of your honor and respect for women while the rest of you tore my heart to shreds.
How do I put that into words for people who ask about you or wonder if I have been dating? I don’t even try. I simply tell them that you and I got busy and have not been able to keep in touch. I have too much respect for the man you once were to explain what a buffoon you turned out to be.