1. Deep in your inner core you know and understand that wine goes with every occasion in life. Going to a dinner party? Bring a bottle of Rioja! Going completely bananas over a writing deadline? Open up a bottle of Rioja! Watching your favorite television series or reading your favorite book late at night? Open up a bottle of Rioja! Got fired and going on FUNemployment for the foreseeable? Open up TWO bottles of Rioja! Just had the best idea of all time? You can thank that bottle of Rioja!
2. You go to the local bar and don’t even get mad when their only wine selections are “white, red and pink.” Which of them do you prefer? START POURING NOW you foam at the mouth.
3. While all the basic betches are out there getting pumpkin spiced lattes during the colder months you know that the real secret is mulled wine. Yes, henny. Who needs a pumpkin spice latte when you can cuddle up next to hot red wine mixed with brandy and holiday spices. This is not even a debate.
4. You buy a bottle of wine at the market intending to cook with it because you will add wine to any dish you make. And since the bottle’s already open, I mean, might as well have a glass or the whole bottle.
5. You tell your friends that you don’t “do” beer. As long as the bar you’re going to has white, red or pink wine, you’re good!
6. Even though you’ve been at the bottle for years and years you still wonder if it’s “too soon” to have a glass at 10 am. (Answer: lol wut).
7. You love taking a stroll in your neighborhood and seeing people outside at sidewalk cafes already drinking their wine with their brunch and you look at them all, hoping they invite you to join in (they never do).
8. When friends say you sure do drink a lot of wine you tell them YEAH, WELL, AT LEAST I WON’T HAVE A STROKE.
9. There’s a bottle of wine next to your bed. There are two bottles of wine next to your bed.
10. For some reason you always keep the wine corks, the penis or perhaps the dildo of the wine drinking experience.
11. You have a story about how you took a wine tasting class once in Portland, Oregon and the wine dude was so hot you blacked out and all you remember is asking dumb questions to keep him talking and pouring. You tried to slurp on the red wine, the way you’re supposed to, but you accidentally spew some out of your mouth and onto your white shirt and into his face, fuck.
12. Gossip and wine go together. What is gossip without wine, and what is wine without gossip, Socrates once asked.
13. You have reacted in unbridled HORROR when someone pours white wine into a red wine glass.
14. Somehow you believe saying the words “only a splash more” out loud has magic powers that will keep you less drunk.
15. The shelf in your fridge is basically just bottles of wine and an apple from like two weeks ago.
16. Ever since you discovered it’s possible to get wine at the movies in Europe you refuse to return to the United States!
17. Olivia Pope is your spirit animal.
18. You look forward to long flights BECAUSE WINE.
19. You’ve been telling people for years that wine is not actually alcohol. It’s fruit juice and thus it is healthy.