1. No matter how much money you make, or how much stuff you have, somehow you will never have any money.
2. One day you’ll be washing your face and singing to Sade or whatever and notice yet another grey patch. :( Embrace it, baby, because premature grey is hot. That or just dye your whole head grey. It’s the look!
3. You’ll finally start addressing your fears because why not? If you really want to try sky diving but you’re too afraid to try, welp! At least if you croak you’ll die doing something cool you always wanted to do lol.
4. In your 20s you could take a pill or drink a Red Bull with vodka, sleep one hour in three days and be totally fine. Not anymore!
5. Why? Because in your 30s SLEEP is more important than anything else.
6. Suddenly all you’ll want to listen to is TLC and En Vogue and Britney Spears and Vitamin C and No Doubt and Papa Roach and Mya and Brandy and Monica and you’ll firmly believe today’s youth is missing out on the greatest era of music yet: the 90s.
7. The thing that really makes you feel old is that Sex and the City first came on television 18 years ago — yes, EIGHTEEN YEARS AGO.
8. You’ll wake up early for no reason even if your plan was to sleep in S.O.S.
9. You’ll meet a really hot guy or girl who has never been in a relationship before. Do not date this person, no matter how mature they seem. You’ll always be the testing ground.
10. You’ll come across people who’ll sound very grown up as they discuss their “5 year plan” and you’ll be like, oh shit, what’s my 5 year plan?
11. Age is really just a number and most of the time you don’t even think about how old you are because you don’t feel old you feel FABULOUS.
12. Treat yo self. If you don’t, who will?
13. There are times when you will actually be too tired for sex. Also FYI, things may not work as they did when you were 19!
14. Student loans are REAL.
15. People you went to high school or college with will start flooding your Facebook with exquisite wedding photos and baby pics while you’re still living a bachelor life surrounded by takeout containers and jerking off into dirty socks or something like that.
16. You learn that romantic relationships are always about compromise and communication. Without those, your relationship is doomed to fail.
17. At some point you’ll go on a date with a person who has a kid.
18. At some point you’ll go on a date with someone 10 years younger.
19. You won’t feel the need to go out and party every single night. You’re just as cool staying in with a bottle of red wine and Netflix.
20. In general, you become more understanding of people and learn to hold fewer grudges.
21. Friends and family always question when you’re going to start a family and “settle down.” THE WORST.
22. However much you’re calling home now, do it more.
23. You’ll take more risks because the older you get the fewer fucks you have left to give. Fucks given decreases with age.
24. People don’t change really, so you can stop trying to date someone thinking the sky will open up and they will suddenly see the light and change just for you.
25. You’ll still feel like a kid on the inside.
26. Even the people who seem to have it together the most fall apart at some point. Don’t ever let anyone make you think they have it all figured out better than you do. Chances are they don’t.
27. It’s taken you literally this long to have the kind of sex you didn’t know you were missing. Sex gets better with age!
28. You realize how important it is to say “NO” to shitty living situations. You’re an adult now, not living in a dorm on campus. No more roommates who stay up all night high on mushrooms singing and playing the banjo and leave dirty underwear in the bathtub!
29. You start taking care of your skin! You buy decadent face masks and opulent serums to stop the aging process/keep you looking sickening.
30. You won’t miss your 20s at all.