The first thing my friend Sean said before he introduced his new boyfriend to me was that they’re both tops. That’s cool and sounds like fun! It’s not uncommon for two tops or two bottoms or two versatiles or two or more whatevers to find themselves together, particularly if the relationship is open, and even if it’s not. It’s hard to know who’s a top and who’s a bottom unless they’re wearing one of these t-shirts, in which case, there you have it!
But Sean said “we’re both tops” with a bit of reluctance, I could tell — sort of like, shit, let me reevaluate my life right now. Let me renege on this relationship.
“So what’s the sex like?” I asked.
“It’s fine. We just kiss and jerk each other off. It’s ok for now but in six months I’m worried being jerked off all the time is going to get boring,” he said with a splash of truth tea.
I wasn’t about to tell him to break up with a guy he likes because they’re both tops. Gay couples come in all different kinds of sexual combinations! You can work around sexual incompatibility if you really want to, especially if you choose to be open. The question is, do you want to work around it? I told him that sex is important to a relationship and I encouraged him to be honest with himself about what he needs in the bedroom. Sexual chemistry always makes sex so much better. And when you’re gay, sexual compatibility is everything.
There are a few things I always look for in my relationships. He should be funny, quick witted and interesting. I’m weird so I also need a guy who “gets” me, who isn’t going to try to change me into something I’m not because that’s lame. The last thing, and I can’t underscore this enough, is that we need to be sexually compatible. Period. We are going to be having lots of sex, I hope, so we need to “get” each other sexually.
When you meet someone you really connect with intellectually, emotionally, physically and sexually you feel an intense electric connection to them. You can’t stop looking at them. You want to be near them, on them, under them, next to them. Not all sex is this emotional kind of sex, and not all good sex has to be this kind of sex. But there’s no denying it’s hot sex.
Sean, my top friend, came over for a glass of wine the other day and told me he was ready to end it with his boyfriend. They’ve been together now 7 months but he was just too afraid to do it and thought about just letting the relationship and the sex fizzle out all alone.
“The sex is so bad and I’m getting frustrated,” he said. Still, I didn’t want to encourage him to break up with someone over sex. Instead, trying to get him to answer his own question, I asked what he would do if we went to the club and a hot, eager bottom popped up in front of him. Would he take him home?
“Absolutely, without hesitation. That’s how frustrated I am,” he said.
If that’s the case, I told him, and if their relationship is not going to be open, then it’s time to end it.
We stay in relationships we don’t want to be in because we don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings. We think things will change, get better, alleviate. We don’t want to be the one to tell someone they’re bad in bed or that we actually can’t stand them. What kind of person wants to make someone feel bad? It’s normal to have a little bit of doubt at various stages of your relationship, but when all you can think about is how bad things are, or how bad the sex is, or how there’s that little thing about them that annoys you beyond belief, it’s really time to end it.
No one wants to break someone’s heart, but the longer you stay in a relationship you don’t want to be in, the more toxic it gets — for you.
When you know you’re not compatible, when you know it’s not working, end it.