How To Live In London
1. If you are American, pinpoint and then eat in every single bbq/taco spot in the whole city. Find your favorite American diner. Sometimes you wake up in a hungover stupor and all you want is a goddamn butter-soaked pancake.
2. Drink alcohol at any time of day, anywhere, any day of the week. Get those beers in mate!
3. Say “sorry” when people bump into you, not the other way around.
4. Have a lot of money on payday, liberally drinking your weight in £10 Caipirinhas and Bloody Marys for you and all your friends, then have practically no money 5 days later. Eat rice and plain toast for the rest of the month. Cry into your bread.
5. Be totally weirded out by West London. If you find yourself there by some accident, marvel at how different (read: RICH) it is from everywhere else in the city. Escape quickly.
6. Feel annoyed when you get in the wrong tube at Liverpool Street. AM I IN THE CIRCLE LINE OR THE HAMMERSMITH AND CITY WHICH DIRECTION IS THIS THING GOING S.O.S.
7. Go home with someone who lives in a completely opposite end of London than you, end up staying over because you can’t be bothered with the two night buses it’ll take to get home, ugh.
8. Expertly watch full episodes of your favorite TV shows on your smartphone on your way to work from the quiet and comfort of the tube.
9. Plan but never actually make it to exhibitions or anything cool or cultural until you have visitors from out of town.
10. Get so wrapped up in life and work that you actually forget you live in one of the world’s greatest cities until you cross Waterloo Bridge or go past Somerset House or someplace remotely touristy. Think: wow.
11. Take a pill at a house party in Dalston then have sex with a person in the bathroom. Forget to lock the door and someone else storms in.
12. Complain about the rain when you first move to London but over time just stop noticing it. You’re so badass you don’t even carry an umbrella.
13. Wonder why it’s cheaper to fly to Berlin or Budapest at the last minute than it is to take the train anywhere in the UK.
14. Feel dumb the first time you wait at a bus stop and it just rolls past you, not totally sure why.
15. Meet someone from a different part of the UK and have difficulty understanding what he is saying. You’re sure it’s English, but…
16. Become total BFFs with the dudes who run your local Off-Licence. They’ve seen you buy everything — frozen pizza, ice cream, wine, condoms, laxatives. They know what’s going on in your life.
17. If you are American, get frustrated at the extortionist markup of American candy/food. A roll of Sweettarts costs £4.50? That’s like SEVEN DOLLARS. NO.
18. Become excellent at dodging people while eating and texting as you walk swiftly down the street.
19. Roll your eyes at tourists taking pictures in front of London-y things with selfie sticks, then go on a vacation and wish you had a selfie stick.
20. Contemplate the logistics of living in Spain or France and commuting to work in London because it is actually cheaper.
21. Take secret pictures of hot guys you see relaxing on the tube.
22. Feel a desire to scream at the top of your lungs when people walk slow or take too long to do things, but you’re just too polite to say anything so you sigh loud enough so they can hear you. It’s the London way.