1. Fuck a traditional marriage in a church. My wedding would take place in an industrial warehouse nightclub!
2. You’d walk in and it would be basically dark in there with lots of smoke pouring out of a smoke machine and neon colored Dan Flavin-y fluorescent light tubes dangling from the 75 foot ceiling!
3. I’m in the DJ booth blasting like 128 beats per minute but it’s so dark in there you can’t even see me.
4. Every invitation would come with a bag of glitter!
5. And the wedding invites would look like flyers for a club night.
6. There’s no seating at this wedding. Everyone’s standing and dancing before the “ceremony” begins.
7. No suits, tuxedoes, dresses or gender-normative-for-your-gender clothing, either!
8. Susanne Bartsch is at the door letting people in!
9. The dress code is BLACK. But not like funeral black — no no no. Edgy, fashion black. That like leather harness you have just hanging in the closet? Put it on! That black sequined body suit u found on ASOS? F.A.B.U.L.O.U.S. Got a feather capelet just sitting around? YES!
10. Everyone is already standing and drinking when I come out. I leave the DJ booth and vogue DJ Vjuan Allure takes over and starts playing vogue beats. I vogue my way through the crowd and out to the groom and I twirl and “dip” before him while the whole crowd screams “OVAAH!”
11. I’m wearing nipple tassels, rings on every finger, no shirt, a custom-designed Balmain power shoulder blazer with spikes on top, 10 inch stiletto pumps, some black sequin boy shorts and my body is cocoa buttered for all eternity.
12. The groom, with his hot self, is wearing Converse high tops and a pair of Andrew Christian underwear with a (thornless!) rose tucked inside. Glitter smeared all over his body and face, too!
13. I wouldn’t be “given away” by my dad, some dude I don’t talk to anyway. I’d be anchored by my favorite Cockyboys. Dillon Rossi! Tommy Defendi! Ty Roderick! Max Ryder! They will be completely nude and erect with glitter on their dicks!
14. Basic people get married carrying a bouquet. Not me! I walk through the dance floor with my Cockyboys carrying an authentic Beyoncé lace front in my hands, and whoever catches it at the end gets a lifetime supply of jewelry from DragJewels.com!
15. Michelle Visage and Alyssa Edwards from RuPaul’s Drag Race would be in the audience fanning themselves off, pointing their fingers in the air at all the emotional parts.
16. I wouldn’t have catered food. Nope. Just like 200,000 Chick-Fil-A nuggets, a bunch of waffle fries and a vat of lemonade!
17. RuPaul would officiate the “ceremony” but not before he put on his reading glasses and “read” the groom and I to filth. THE LIBRARY IS OPEN.
18. Celebrity guests would include: Hedi Slimane, Patricia Field, Diane von Furstenberg, Andy Warhol, Jimmy Webb, Beyoncé, Ladyfag, Ricardo Tisci, Beth Ditto, Willi Ninja, Andre Leon Talley, Olivia Pope, Wendy Williams, Funky Dineva and Judith Butler.
19. At the end the groom and I kiss and he then puts on a lace front and dances to his favorite song while everyone screams YAAASS!!!
20. Instead of a wedding cake there are acid tabs!
21. And at the end you’d open up the packet of glitter you got with your invite and toss it in the air.
Everybody say glitter!