1. The people at your takeout place know your name and order by heart.
2. Your relationship with the guy at the bodega or the person who takes your order at the takeout place is prob your most meaningful relationship.
3. The only thing your fridge contains are scattered sauce packets from like every combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell in a 5 mile radius. Single guys eat whatever because they are blobs and can’t be bothered to cook real, actual food. So it’s either Burger King, potato chips or takeout for dinner. Plus, I mean, why cook all that food for yourself if there’s no one to share it with?
4. Single guys only have one set of utensils — one fork, one knife, one bowl. But really this is a matter of practicality and survival. Just imagine how easy is to clean up after yourself if you only have to worry about one of everything.
5. The single male takes gym selfies and posts them on Instagram #body #sexy #gym #sixpack #goals #2015.
6. The single male will have a layer of Doritos cheese/lotion slathered over his keyboard from all the eating/masturbation he does at his laptop. When you are single you can do everything you can do in a relationship right from your computer screen!
7. Spray Old Spice/Axe everywhere for no reason. I don’t get why the single male has adopted these scents as his signature fragrance. But, well, here we are.
8. Searching for meaning in life, the single will be the only straight guy in a soul cycle class.
9. He will have plastic utensils. Why throw them out when you have been collecting them from all the takeout you have consumed this year?
10. A single guy will willingly allow his bedsheets to disintegrate. Who cares if your sheets haven’t been washed in 6 months lol! It’s your bed and you’re the only one sleeping in it. Taking a date back to your place would be like that moment in Room Raiders when they put the bed under a blacklight and reveal all sorts of interesting specimens.
11. Frozen pizza, ice cream, six pack.
12. You watch porn all day probably. That or video games, which is the same thing, really. Ain’t no shame in being single.