My gay friend Ben is a fun and hot but self-described “boring-looking” white guy from the middle of nowhere who is married to a larger-than-life, fabulous black divaaaaa. No it’s not me, lol. We got to talking on Facebook the other day and I told him how much I love when people date outside of their comfort zone. Most people date what they know because it’s the easiest thing to do, but I think it’s so exciting when you date what you don’t know. In general, gay dudes celebrate white male masculinity as the apex of beauty and sex appeal, so I asked my friend Ben how in the world a hot masculine white boy from a small town in Montana ended up with someone so unlike him. We got to talking about why opposites attract.
Probably the number one reason opposites attract is because of a little something I like to call flava! Flava is the thing that lures you into someone because they are so unlike you. Flava is the human magnet. It’s magnetic, edgy. Exciting! Maybe their flava is that they dress differently, or are more outgoing while you are kind of shy, or are from a completely different country, or speak different languages, or have different features, or use certain spices you’ve never used before, or have had such a different upbringing than you. Flava is the thing that sparks your interest in other people, and the more different you are, the more flava there will be between you. You heard me, girls and gays: date a man with some FLAVA!
2. You’re Always Learning Something New
If flava! is the thing that attracts you to someone then it also opens the door to learning something new and learning from each other. What’s the point of being in a relationship with someone if you’re not going to learn from them, if you’re not going to help each other grow? You should already be secure in your own personhood before you jump into a relationship, but if you’re dating someone who has all the same interests and desires as you do, what is there to learn? Date your opposite to have great discussions about the world.
3. Dating Yourself Is Boring (And Also Narcissistic)
The tough thing about chemistry is that you have to be similar enough yet different enough. Lots of gay men love to date themselves, and I’m not sure if they do it consciously or unconsciously. You see them in the club, at the bar or holding hands in the street, boyfriends looking exactly like one another. I just don’t understand this at all. Well, I get it intellectually. Gay men often fashion themselves after what they are trying to attract, so if you want a bear then you better start swallowing protein pills. But you spend so much time with yourself everyday and I mean you can even have sex with yourself, so why on earth would you date someone who was basically an exact copy of you?
4. You Will Complement One Another
One time I was eating brunch with my best friend and we were deep into a conversation about whatever when I saw him sprinkle a little bit of salt on his pancakes. Outraged, I was like Girl what are you DOING! And that’s when he told me that sprinkling just a little bit of salt on your pancakes actually brings out the flavor. I tried it and he was right. Dating your opposite is not unlike doing something blasphemous like putting salt on a pancake at brunch. It complements and enhances. Maybe he has talents you don’t have, or knows things you don’t know, or can expose you to new hobbies, places, books, foods, or things you would have never considered.
5. Being Your Own Person
Ultimately the best thing about dating your opposite is that you’re not trying to mold him into what you want him to be. You don’t see him as a “fixer upper.” You’ve accepted him for who he already is in the first place, and there’s no better relationship than one where you are both free to be your own person. You like them because they are exactly who they are, not a fantasy or a projection.