I Never Thought I’d Hear People Talking About Eight Inch Dicks On National TV. And Yet, Here We Are!

Every gay in America died when Connor Walsh, played by NYU grad Jack Oh God PLEASE Do That Thing That Will Make My Eyes Tear Falahee explained his “HUMPR” (lol) screen name “8 Is Great” to a straight dude on this week’s episode of How To Get Away With Murder. “8 Is Great? Is that your screen name? What does it mean?,” a puzzled Asher asks. “I can show you,” Connor says.

LITERALLY GAGGING. I squealed loud enough for my whole house to hear. For those of you who don’t know, an eight-inch dick is the magical dick size in the gay male phallo-scrotal-centered industrial complex. All gay men on social media claim to have one, and it’s worth even more if it has a “mushroom head!” So this was basically a sexual innuendo to end all sexual innuendos.

And it was brought to you by Disney!

How To Get Away With Murder, created and produced by openly gay TV writer Peter Nowalk, is a great show. It’s exciting, there’s drama. It’s the type of series that gets you addicted and pulls you in because you really react to it when it’s on. I love shows that give me a visceral reaction — shows that make me either jump up and down or scream at my tv set like a lunatic. Scandal got so popular by tapping into viewer’s emotions, doing things you didn’t think network television could do — even at 10 p.m.

There’s been more and more gay with every episode of Murder, and every single time I see a gay sex montage or someone talking about big cocks or “typing faster so you can get your reward” (!) I’m left gasping for air – I mean really I’m just hot and bothered but also gasping for air — and wondering how such racy television could be broadcast throughout all of America on network tv.

I grew up seeing gay people on the little screen, from Antoine Merriweather and Blaine Edwards on In Living Color to Carson Kressley and those asexual dudes from Modern Family. But they were always people you laughed at, not with. The problem I have with non-cable depictions of gay people is that they are either fabulous accessories — caricatures — designed to make you look better, or they are neutered, like Ken dolls with no genitals. It’s pretty catholic if you ask me. It’s like, we’ll accept you, “gay people,” just so long as you don’t practice any homosexuality or like actually be gay.

At the same time straight sex is constantly shoved in my face every time I pop on a TV set. Affairs, make out sessions, impractically clearing off desks to “get it in” during a late night in the office, etc. You don’t even think about it because it’s so normalized. Gay sex, on the other hand, is for some people is still a bit pornographic, even when everybody has their clothes on. Why?

“The gay scenes in Scandal and How To Get Away With Murder are too much. There is no point and they add nothing to the plot,” one disgruntled viewer tweeted to Shonda Rhimes.

“There are no GAY scenes. There are scenes with people in them. If u use the phrase ‘gay scenes,’ u are not only LATE to the party but also NOT INVITED to the party. Bye Felicia. #oneLOVE,” Rhimes clapped back.

Can you imagine if I complained that there were too many straight sex scenes on basically all of TV? That those scenes add nothing to the plot?

There is something to be said, though, about the portrayal of gay men as sex crazed cockmonsters, which is what Connor is and IT’S HOT, a stereotype straight people already have about gay guys anyway. But guess what? People have sex! People love sex! And if we’re going to have straight sex montages well then I want a couple gay sex montages, too.

With its diverse cast and interesting approach to storytelling, I really hope that Murder doesn’t cave in to ratings pressure by softening its touch just to reel in a couple million viewers. Keep pushing the envelope. To my mind, Murder is so much gayer and interesting than recent shows that are actually about gay people.