11. Well obviously you’re not of age…
As a British bartender I tend to ID young people who prefer JD to scotch. I honestly can’t say why. I also ID anyone ordering jaeger bombs because I hate the smell of both energy drinks and Jaeger so if they’re underage there’s a chance I won’t have to make it.
12. All of this
If you order a cement mixer for your naive friend, you’re an asshole.
If you order a cement mixer for yourself, there’s something wrong with you.
If you order pitcher after pitcher of the cheapest draft beer we have, and only need one glass or mug to go with it, you’re most likely drinking to numb the pain of existence, and probably just want to be left alone.
If you come to the bar frequently and only ever order one or two different types of drinks, it’s safe to assume that you’ve been around the block, and you now know what you like. You have my respect, even if your drink is an amaretto sour.
If you lean over the bar and try to grab the plastic box of index cards where I keep all my drink recipes, so you can look through everything and order the weirdest drink you can find, you’re an irritating individual and I want you to leave my bar as soon as possible. Unless you’re going to tip me well, which you most certainly are not.
If you’re in a group of squealing girls wearing matching t-shirts and/or tiaras, you will most likely order some shot or drink which is always complicated, messy, and involves fire. You are the bane of my existence because in the seven minutes you’re there, you will swoop in, make a racket, order 30 of something, make a mess, demand to see me throw bottles around like they do in the movie “Cocktail,” argue with me over the tab, argue amongst yourselves about who is paying the tab, and tip poorly (if at all), before hauling your obnoxious asses to the next bar down the block, leaving me with a huge mess to clean up, decreasing the level of service I’m able to provide to my regular customers – the ones who spend lots of time and money at my bar. If this is you, you’re an inconsiderate taint. Please go die in a fire.