22 Men, Ranked In Order Of Masculinity
1. I was getting my dick sucked and dislocated the person’s jaw.
Relocated my wife’s jaw which she dislocated whilst giving me a blow job.
She has pretty bad TMJ, and had dislocated it 4 or 5 times (mostly at the dentist) in her life previous to meeting me. I’m a paramedic, and am used to doing procedures and the like, so I went to her dentist one day to get a lesson in reducing jaws, and watched lots of youtube videos to prepare. Best part is we finished the sexy time afterward! No she did not finish the BJ as her jaw was very sore afterward.
Level of Masculinity: A box of Magnum condoms.
2. Really stepping up to the plate.
I took custody of my 12yr old brother on my 18th birthday.
Level of Masculinity: Washboard abs.
3. Just being cool as shit
Was walking late at night near the downtown loop, truck full of drunk college age dudes is hooting and hollering as they slowly drive by. Out of the corner of my eye, I see one of them flick the rest of his cigarette at me. I put my hand up defensively and somehow perfectly caught the cigarette like I had just grabbed it on purpose, then casually took a puff off it and kept walking. Heard one of them yell “Holy shit” while they drove away and then they likely immediately forgot about it. Also, I probably have hepatitis now or something.
Level of Masculinity: The Marlboro Man.
4. Saving someone’s life
Ripping a car door off the hinges to get to someone inside.
I was drunk, saw a car accident happen in front of the bar, freaked out because the person inside was crying for their mom. I didn’t know what else to do other than try to get them out. Tiny ass Toyota tercel didn’t stand a chance.
Level of Masculinity: 72 straight hours of beer-pong
5. I saved a girl from a crazy horse. No really.
Saved a little girl on a runaway horse. We were on a ride in Montana when one of the horses in our group started going batshit. He just so happened to have a 6 year old girl in his saddle. He bolted off, I chased after and grabbed the girl, swung her on the back of my horse and rode back to the group. Everybody just stood there in awe, even the tour guide. Manliest feeling ever.
Level of Masculinity: A sexy underwear ad.
6. My dad is a complete bad ass.
Not me, my father. Used ropes to tie a washing machine to his back and marched it up three flights of stairs.
Level of Masculinity: A first chest hair.
7. Who’s afraid of blood? Not I.
Shaved with my Swiss army knife.
Level of Masculinity: A giant ass pile of trucks.
8. A last diaper change.
I changed my dads diaper when he was dying of brain cancer. Manlyest thing I’ll ever do.
Level of Masculinity: A nice, healthy man cry.
9.The time I up and climbed a mountain.
Got sick of myself just sitting on my lazy ass, booked a flight, bought a tent, and hiked up a goddamn mountain for 3 days by myself. I felt like my balls had grown a beard.
Level of Masculinity: A blowjob.
10. Oh you know, just saving a life.
Was rafting down a river with some friends, puffing away contentedly on a cigar when we rounded a bend just in time to see a family with two young children capsize their canoe just in front of us. The parents began panicking, trying to grab children, canoe, paddles, cooler, etc. I quickly beached our raft, leapt out, pulled the two struggling children out of waist deep fast water and helped the parents to right their canoe. As they thanked me and set off again, I realized I was still holding my cigar in my mouth, perfectly dry and burning nicely.
Level of Masculinity: Every adult male in every Disney cartoon movie ever.
11. Someone tried to rob me at gun point and then I beat his ass, actually.
On New Year’s Eve 2011 while I was getting out of my car I had a man put a gun to my cheek and tell me to give him everything in my pockets. I had about 600 dollars I was taking to the casino I was supposed to meet some friends at. Honestly, I thought it was a joke at first because the situation seemed so ridiculous. After looking to the side and seeing .22 caliber revolver chambers I realized that I was actually being robbed. I was fucking furious. So I acted like I was reaching back to get my wallet out while I grabbed my pocket knife (A SOG pentagon elite 2) and opened it on my leg using the tip. I stood up as fast as I could and pushed his hand holding the gun down and stepped as close to him as I could so he couldn’t bring it back up. Then with every bit of force I could muster I jammed it into his left shoulder, then pulled it out and got ready for another. I’ll never forget the noise he made, it was like something you would hear from a wild animal. He scrambled up from the ground and ran down the street while I jumped back in my car and tried to chase him. He ducked into someone’s back yard and I lost sight, so I drove up and down the street for about 5 minutes screaming that I was going to kill him. That was and will probably always be the angriest I’ve gotten in my life. Afterwards I ran inside and told everyone to lock the doors and go to their rooms, then called the police who then had me go to the station and try to identify the man from a book of mugshots.
Level of Masculinity: A marathon of Cops.
12. I stopped a bunch of bulldogs from fighting and lived to talk about it.
Broke up a fight between four American bulldogs all weighing over 60 pounds each with my bare hands. Friend of mine was deploying and asked me to stay with his wife and look after her, woke up to her screaming. The “outside” dogs got in and the “inside” male tried to go all alpha on them, massive fight ensued. After punching, kicking, picking up, and literally throwing a couple of them and being bit a few times it was over with me standing in between the two groups, in my boxers, with blood everywhere. Felt very caveman.
Level of Masculinity: I ain’t afraid of SHIT.
13. I saved a girl I really liked and she married someone else.
Stood up to a bully and his full gang of douchebags for the girl of my dreams. She is now happily married to someone else.
Level of Masculinity: A soccer ball.
14. I stopped a car from rolling into stuff and hurting people.
Was parking at work this morning, and as I was walking inside I noticed a pickup that was rolling forward without its parking brake. So I ran, caught it right before it hit another vehicle, pushed it back into place / out of the way of everyone else, and got people to go grab the owner of the vehicle so we wouldn’t have to smash the windows in to engage the brake.
Level of Masculinity: A random fist fight with a bunch of strangers.
15. If you can’t watch a woman have a baby you’re a complete wuss.
I delivered a baby, and only shrieked like a girl once.
Level of Masculinity: Every bro movie ever.
16. It’s sad that someone actually has to do this.
I stopped two frat boys from raping a passed-out, drunk girl at a party.
Level of Masculinity: Can we all agree that some frat guys are basically idiots?
17. I mean…
Have you ever had a penis? That’s pretty manly.
Level of Masculinity: A gas-powered barbecue grill.
18. It’s always the simple things.
One day I was grilling a steak, without a shirt, drinking a beer, and smoking a cigar. Then to top it off it started raining and I felt like a fucking viking.
Level of Masculinity: Clipping your toenails on the living room table while watching a game.
19. I was on a path of destruction but I got my shit together
I was a homeless pothead at 15. When I was 18 I knocked up my 16 year-old GF (who was also pretty much homeless, both parents in jail.) We got married and I started working, quit cigarettes/weed, bought us an apartment, and raised one amazing daughter. 5 years later, still happily married. We act like newlyweds and building a pretty great life.
Level of Masculinity: A business suit.
20. Hi! I am a misogynist!
Got a BJ from my wife while watching football on the couch, afterwards she brought me a beer. I didn’t even ask for it, just happened. Felt like a fucking rock star the whole rest of the day.
Level of Masculinity: One day I will need Viagra.
21. Dicks are awesome
Sucked a dude’s dick.
Level of Masculinity: A glory hole.
22. REAL TALK
I stopped blaming others and took personal accountability.
Level of Masculinity: A nice, full head of a hair.