1. When coffee shops in cold places do not believe in the power of heat. I’m all for cutting costs, especially when coffee shops are full of hipsters and bloggers and art students who buy like one drink but stay for 12 hours. But can we at least get a little bit of heat? Is that too much to ask?
2. Discovering that the Internet is painfully slow/inoperable/basically non-existant AFTER you’ve already purchased a $5 pastry and a $4 coffee. Well fuck, now you have to stay at least until you finish your stuff before going someplace else.
3. A person who hogs the power outlet, or gives you some excuse about why they can’t unplug right at that second. Once I went to a cafe and one of the girls BROUGHT a power strip with her. This was the most magical, generous moment of my life.
4. Someone who reads aloud. Like, they can’t comprehend their notes or understand the words in their copy of Shades of Gray unless the words are voiced IRL.
5. People who have extensive phone conversations. Phone conversations are pretty cool, but when they go on and on and on and in perhaps more detail than we are ready to hear, something’s not right.
6. Kids at coffee shops. Your kids are fabulous but isn’t there a playground somewhere you can take them so that we can all continue working on our scripts and fine-tuning our DJ mixes in peace and harmony?
7. Anyone who spreads out like the table is their own personal office.
8. When people break up there. I understand the benefit of breaking up with someone in a neutral zone like a cafe, so all parties come away safe and unwounded, but would’t it be best to do that in private so that when one of you bursts into tears, we don’t all feel compelled to Tweet about the situation?
9. When you have to pee like RIGHT NOW and there are two people in front of you on the line for the toilet and one of them is taking f-o-r-e-v-e-r and you are thisclose to peeing on yourself.
10. Someone who listens to their music way too loud, even on headphones. If it’s playing on your headphones and we can still hear it, you might want to A) get your ears checked B) turn it down some C) invest in some soundproof stuff!
11. When the cafe is particularly small and there isn’t enough circumference around the place you’re sitting at so people walk past you and their crotch/vag/ball sack is basically in your face.
12. You go to the cafe determined to get a shit ton of work done but suddenly you run into someone who wants to catch up and suddenly you find yourself talking with them for hours instead of doing anything productive.
13. Overhearing job interviews and you are all, “Yeah I would definitely not hire that person.”
14. Overhearing people talk about their “art” and how “new” and “fresh” it is. Talking about creative stuff is great, but sometimes it’s a good idea not to over-imagine your own abilities.
15. When you walk in and it’s so packed and people are looking at you like, “Yeah don’t even think about sitting here.”
16. Internet that runs out/logs you out after a period of time. Really?
17. When a chocolate croissant is like $6. Y’all are doing the most.
18. Anyone who orders more than 2 to 3 drinks.
19. People talking about how awesome the sex they had last night was. JK, I love it when people talk like this in cafés. The audacity! .