1. It knows you have no clue how to use it and seeks to confuse you at every opportunity. The self-checkout lane at Wal-Mart is different from the one at Tesco’s and is different from the one at Kroger. It wants you to mess everything up when all you want to do is purchase your Magnum condoms, wine, frozen pizza and toenail fungus removal gel in peace.
2. And when you do mess up, you will have to wait for someone to come to the rescue. But not before sirens and flashing red lights go off and the humorless robot starts shouting CUSTOMER NEEDS ASSISTANCE, confirming your idiocy to all.
3. The self-checkout laughs with glee as other customers get annoyed, peeved, and angered that you don’t know what you’re doing.
4. The self-checkout machine doesn’t trust you at. all. and forces you to bag your like one item, even when there’s no reason for you to use a bag.
5. The self-checkout knows you’re in a hurry, but out of the 25 machines in the store, invariably only 1 or 2 of them will actually work HASHTAG WHY.
6. It is a sensitive being and doesn’t want you to put any UNEXPECTED ITEMS IN THE BAGGING AREA. Doing so will anger it.
7. How are you supposed to remember the code to your fruits and vegetables, thereby holding up the line because you don’t know what the fuck number the kiwis are supposed to have?
8. Buying alcohol is made more complex by the fact that you will definitely get carded.
9. No matter how hard you try, you will never master the fine art of perfectly scanning your items in just the right way.
10. Sometimes the machine gets so unwieldy that even the people who work there don’t know how to sedate it.
11. There is no person there to do you a favor and scan the store rewards card for you if you don’t have one or if you forgot it at home. THE MACHINE IS EATING YOUR MONEY.
12. May the Lord be at your side should you forget to insert your coins before inserting your bills in the bill accepter.
13. Finally, nobody is attracted to computers, which means you no longer get to chose which line to wait on based off of how cute the cashier is :/ which is a major cock block tbh.