SHAWN: Two glasses in and remembering that time this guy with huge muscles kept insisting I called him daddy during sex. Probably one of the strangest things to happen to me (so far).
MADISON: I would be like, uh, bye. Everybody has issues, tho. Once when I was in college I hooked up with this guy who insisted I not look “too gay” when I came over. Needless to say he never got to see the patent leather catsuit.
SHAWN: Madison, if you have a patent leather catsuit can I borrow it for this weekend? Okay, so today I had something *fun* happen to me. I was sitting at the Starbucks I work at, minding my own business, doing homework and drinking an Earl Grey Tea Latte and I got called a fag. Just another casual day in Florida.
MADISON: Um, what? What were you doing? Were you in some kind of fabulous headpiece?
SHAWN: The hair game was strong, but I honestly was just wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants. I hadn’t planned on too much human interaction since I was writing papers and I asked them to move aside so I could use the bathroom. When I got out they all whispered under their breath that I was a fag, like a bunch of blushing school girls.
MADISON: LOL @ the hair game was strong — I’m glad it was laid like Olivia Pope. Sometimes I wonder when people call us “fag” if it’s really because they want to BE us or maybe they want to FUCK us.
SHAWN: They looked fairly sexually repressed…or constipated. Not too clear which it was. I used to get made fun of a lot in middle/ high school by a lot of guys who wound up coming out to me later. It’s the strangest thing. Almost as if the people who constantly remind us of their sexuality have the most to prove or something.
MADISON: Well, when I was in college I always seemed to attract the guys who were “curious” or who wanted to “try” what it was “like” to “be” gay. I never understood what that was about.
SHAWN: It seems to be, at least where I am from, that it is O.K to be gay…but not “too gay.” Like, you can touch another man’s dick and that is fine…but god forbid you don’t work out six times a week or wear eye-liner…then it’s not okay.
MADISON: I am always down for some dick touching!
SHAWN: Same, but I also am like 5’10 and have little to no muscle definition so I’m automatically considered a bottom and therefore I’m slightly looked down upon here? Not sure if it’s like that everywhere, but just from my limited experience here…there is a strange hierarchy even within the gay community. I need another glass of wine.
MADISON: I still don’t fully understand being gay. I mean, I enjoy gay sex — a lot — but I don’t really know what it means “to be gay.” Like, when I first came out I was all the time in gay clubs because I thought that’s what you needed to do. Now? I wouldn’t be caught dead in one (mostly). It’s almost like when you are closeted you want to meet your gay brothers and feel like you’re not alone. Then when you’re out and you start experiencing the ratchetness, you just kind of don’t want anything to do with it.
SHAWN When I first came out, I felt like there was a summit or something that I missed. I felt like I was so “bad at being gay.” I had no fashion sense, no gay friends, and barely knew how to speak to a boy. Obviously now I realize there is no right way to be gay, but at the time I felt so out of the loop. I think that is why when you first come out, you’re a little bit….how do I say this, extra? Because you’re trying to overcompensate for all these archetypes of gay men the media exposes us to. I realize now that I have the worst gay-dar in the history of the world and anyone I speak to could be gay, I would just never know it. When I first came out, I thought all gay men wore sequins and were born knowing Madonna lyrics.
MADISON: Shut up, I love me some sequins.
SHAWN: Please teach me how to pull them off, I cannot. I just meant that there is no way to really know if someone is gay or not by how they dress or act… just by how they self-identify. But when I was a baby-gay I felt this urge to just fall in line with all the stereotypes I was brought up on because I just thought that was how gay men were.
MADISON: Well clearly there’s a certain truth in stereotypes. But that’s why I always always always loved people like Prince and Lenny Kravitz and Michael Jackson when I was younger. I was like, whoa, here are a bunch of straight (??) black dudes who are wearing sequins and high heels and carrying purses and wearing weaves. Seems awesome! How is it that THEY get to do that stuff without really having their sexuality questioned + remain desirable to women? So, that’s why I started experimenting with outrageous clothing. I’m a very reserved person if you meet me, but my clothes say otherwise. Often on some of my TC articles people will try to snatch my wig, being like, “You’re just mad because you’re effeminate and black and nobody wants to fuck you.” Someone actually said that to me in a hate email bc of an article I wrote. That I was ugly and black and effeminate and nobody wanted to fuck me.
SHAWN: So many people want to fuck you, bb, probably the person who wrote that email wants to fuck you. The first article I ever wrote for TC someone said, “this was probably written by a fatty. No one likes a fat fag.” Like, are you kidding me? This is why a lot of gay men are so self-loathing. Unless we’re ripped or have super clear skin or what have you- suddenly we’re not fuckable. Because we’re not a SeanCody model.
MADISON: OMG do not get me started on Sean Cody.
SHAWN: What a diverse website! That was sarcasm, by the way.
MADISON: Girl please. But — real talk — have you ever been with a guy who wasn’t white?
SHAWN: I have not. The opportunity has just never come up. I feel like i’m a magnet for lanky white men with mommy issues. Have you been with a white man who has fetishized the fact that you’re not, “like them”?
MADISON: But isn’t that what desire is about? Like, I want to eat whipped cream off your ______ because you are not like me (wow!). I know that when I studied abroad in France the first time all those many years ago, I had a hard time because suddenly I was HOT. I am not “hot” in the United States. But that year I learned that I am HOT in France. I always wondered if my race played into that.
SHAWN: Yeah, do you find that because you’re black people just won’t sleep with you just due to that or that they’ll want to sleep with you more? I’ve had people be like “you’re cute…but you’re too fem.” and I’ve had people who have been like “Usually I don’t have sex with fem guys….but you’re so pretty i’ll make an exception.” Not saying that whether you’re feminine or not is comparable to how someone discriminates against race, but it seems to be a form of fetishization i’m sure we’ve both experienced.
MADISON: Well I’ve mostly had guys say, “I’m not into black guys” which, no matter your liberal politics or how much Toni Morrison you’ve read or which small liberal arts college you went to, it’s racist. Anyway, I have had ppl say “You’re not like other black guys I’ve met” as if somehow being a rarified commodity is a good thing. But it’s super complicated because I do think that fetishization and stuff drives desire and attraction. The best sex is when you like basically want to consume that person whole, and he wants to do the same to you. Awesome sex is when you both can’t wait to fully consume the other person.
SHAWN: Yes. Like, if a guy has a shit-ton of tattoos I can’t help but just want to be all over them. Regardless of what they may be like personality wise. Whoever says primal desires don’t overcome your judgement when it comes to attraction has clearly never seen me half a handle of vodka in next to a guy with a tattoo sleeve. I think people want to think they’re above their physical desires, that they can rise above it and be super attracted to someone’s personality. In a way, I suppose you can- but it only goes so far. We forget just how deeply media informs our ideas of what is “sexy” or not, and even the most aware people fall back into their desires at times.
MADISON: Media definitely informs our desires of what is sexy, which is why I always insist that anytime someone says they don’t like _______ race it’s because we don’t see them in the media, and definitely not in the porn. I think CockyBoys is the HOTTEST porn out there, but it’s getting harder + harder for me to be a patron of their cinematic productions because none of the guys look like me. There has never been a black guy.
SHAWN: I honestly cannot think of a name of a single well-known black gay porn actor…and it’s because they’re almost never featured on websites unless it’s a lesser-known “fetish” website. Which is bullshit. So much of the porn that is out there is white-washed. I watch a fair amount of ActiveDuty, and I’m not sure why because so much of it is gay self-hating jargon…but it’s what is out there and consumable…so I come (cum? heh) back to it.
MADISON: Ok, now u have to go sleep with somebody of color. It all sounds great what you’re saying, but u gotta get some brown in your cabinet!!!
SHAWN: I really do. I don’t want to fetishize someone and be like, “you’re black so lets fuck,” but I definitely am open to sleeping with someone outside of my current track-record.
MADISON: Like…my problem with gay porn is that whenever it is black or asian or latino, this is what it looks like: small asian guy fucked to death by white top. That or black/latino huge dicked dudes banging small white/asian guys. R-E-A-L-L-Y?
SHAWN: I guess that would explain why when I sleep with some men I’ll feel like they’re trying to meat-tenderize me instead of have sex with me. Porn is just bad news bears sometimes…especially for my ass.
MADISON: Wait who is your favorite pornstar.
SHAWN: Probably Kris Evans from BelAmi. Another problematic website…but them pecs. That dick…what about you?
MADISON: Yaaasss!!!!!! Sorry, I had to Google Kris Evans right fast. He sure is something. But that uncut dick tho…I guess my favorite porn person is…CockyBoy Dillon Rossi. I am linking you RIGHT NOW just in case you don’t know him. Like, he is so freaking dickalicious. Like, his dick is like Thanksgiving.
SHAWN: Dicksgiving me goosebumps. Also, that chest tattoo. Also, I can’t get over the last line in his description that reads, “A thick nine inches to be precise that will be sure to make any lucky guy live cockily ever after!”
MADISON: NINE REAL INCHES.
SHAWN: God bless America.