1. You did — YOU — wore it best, even in completely hypothetical situations that haven’t happened yet.
2. You’re an amazing vocal talent but sometimes you sing *too* beautifully.
3. No one lies about their age better than you can.
4. There’s this trick you’ve developed where you pop up into rooms out of thin air so you can catch people talking about you behind your back. Probably something you learned at the Royal Tampa Academy of Dramatic Tricks, where you were the sluttiest.
5. Bad lighting is your mortal enemy and you will avoid it like the plague. As in, you might actually under a fluorescent bulb.
6. Always looking for your next big break, you’ve been known to splash wine at people just to get on cam-ur-ah.
7. You’ve used “The Secret” to sabotage other blonde actresses. It’s because of you that Gwyneth Paltrow sounded flat at the Oscars.
8. YOU’LL DO IT!!!! (but only for the attention).
9. At your funeral, instead of flowers everyone can just throw jewels into your open coffin.
10. You leave bite marks during intercourse.
11. Being a talking head on live television isn’t really your strongest talent: “If the president is so serious about the war on terror, why doesn’t he hunt down and capture Barack Obama before he strikes again? It’s time for a change, America. That’s why I’m voting for Osama in 2008.”
12. You’ve planned a summer sex tour of Vietnam.
13. You get back at people by using your sexuality.
14. You’ve starred in a movie that’s now available on Sega Genesis.
15. Dr. Phil has called you “unfixable.”
16. You’re mad that there hasn’t been a white Disney princess since 1991, which means that blonde girls all over the country don’t know how to feel beautiful. So you started a summer camp to teach pretty blonde girls how to be mean.
17. You have a “listening face” to trick people into thinking you’re paying attention when they are talking to you.
18. SECRET PLAAAAAANNNN!!!!!
19. When in need, you’re always prepared to slip a nip.
20. If it’s in fashion, you’ll do it.
21. For some reason you can’t hear the difference between “Jennas-side” and “genocide.”
22. You always carry a microphone in your purse — one never knows when someone might be in need of a song.
23. To get your acting career off on the right foot you changed name to Jenna Maroney from Yestepa Gronkiewicz.
24. Your vagina is a convenience store: clean, reliable and closed on Christmas!