1. (S)texting with someone you’ve never met IRL and actually taking that next step and meeting them can be two very different experiences. At first you text and text and text about all the things that interest you, all the things you’re into, all followed up with pics of various bodily crevices. It’s hot and bothered like. Then, as soon as your date is over, everything comes to a screeching halt.
2. If you “unstar” them on Grindr and delete your chat history — without, of course, deleting his or her actual number. Just in case!
3. If you roll your eyes when they show up because they don’t look like their picture. GET OUT FAST.
4. If s/he, or you, keep playing with your phones, checking for messages, emails, something, anything to get you out of there.
5. You’re sitting on a couch, talking, and he is stretched out with his arm on the back of the couch. When you lean back just, you know, to be comfortable, he immediately retracts his arm so you don’t get the wrong idea. Bodily language says it all!
6. If there are periods of uncomfortable silence. Of course, uncomfy silence is pretty standard on first dates and happens a lot, especially when you meet someone new who you don’t really know all that much about. But there’s a difference between awkward conversation pauses and dead “I’m not even going to TRY to talk to you right you” silences. If this happens, it’s dead.
7. I know they ordered a nice, tall cup of coffee, but if they excuse themselves to go to the bathroom more than once, it’s not looking good. Also if your first thought when they get up is: “I wonder if they’re going to come back.” Not great!
8. Speaking of which, if you open your Grindr as soon as he goes off to the bathroom, well, something isn’t right. You’re not fulfilled.
9. If they say something moderately offensive without even filching and only you pick up on it.
10. If they don’t really spend any time ask you about you. Relationships only work if both people are putting their two cents on the table.
11. If your date won’t even look at you when you talk. Like you’re just talking at them and they are staring off into space the whole time. People, if you’re that uncomfortable just get up and go!
12. If they get up to leave in a hurry. “Well, I’d better get going,” and you feel relieved when they do. It’s like you never met.
13. If the person had really awful breath and you just don’t understand how such breath is even possible.
14. If you are in a place with other people who are clearly on dates and you imagine yourself on their date.
15. If you are undressing them with your eyes, looking at their crotch, studying their hands and arms, trying to take them in as a human and they are definitely not reciprocating and do stuff to deter you from checking them out any further.
16. If you are crazy and brave enough to text them after and they don’t text you back for days, offering you some lame ass excuse like “Oh, sorry, I was watching a movie and I fell asleep.” Don’t go back.