Hand Jobs Are Awesome!
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FG1NrQYXjLU&w=584&h=390]
So here’s some food for (masturbatory) thought, via the fabulous carnal philosopher Kat Georgé:
Why, in any right state of mind, would I want to put myself into direct competition with a master? With the one person who has been jacking that same dick every day (or however often guys masturbate, which I’m led to believe by television and frat bros is regularly and often) for the past 20 odd years?
It’s a really good question if you think about it. Why would you jack some dude’s dick when he’s been j/o-ing it himself everyday for like decades? I’ve heard of guys who pleasure themselves several times a day — not me myself personally, no. Anyway, whether a guy masturbates once a day, three times a day or three times a month, how can you possibly compete with that record?
Maybe you can’t compete with him directly, but you sure can contribute something meaningful to the overall experience!
That said, I’m now paranoid that people all over the Internet are going to read “I Don’t Want To Jack Guys Off” and suddenly stop giving hand jobs. Please let’s everyone calm down because hand jobs are awesome.
When you pleasure yourself, shutting the door if your roommates are home and plugging your earphones in your ears so you can hear your porn in complete comfort and relaxation, it feels good but meh your body knows it's you doing it to yourself so w/e. But when somebody else chimes in and does it for you, your senses go on autopilot and your body is just like, “Whoa, WTF this is awesome!”
For many dudes, hand jobs are the very first exposure to sex. Maybe you discovered your body in the shower once, handjobbing yourself, or perhaps you were a participant in a masturbatory seance in the backseat of an automobile/behind the tire swing on your lunch break if you were a particularly kinky teenager. A hand job is the quickest, easiest way to get a guy off. You don’t really need any extra ingredients — just shake and cum! And even if your guy likes his hand jobs a little bit wet, spit goes a long way.
Hand jobs are awesome because everyone will touch you in a way that you can’t possibly touch yourself, and in ways that your other sex people who came before them didn’t know to touch you. If you’re gay, you get the added plus of seeing how somebody else gets themselves off and you might want to borrow their technique — unless the way they go at themselves is fucking weird (these people exist) and you’re just like, “Uh, gotta go bye.”
Blow jobs — also awesome! — require a lot of moving parts. So does full-on sex. But see, that’s why hand jobs are awesome: they’re portable and you can take them anywhere. Movie theaters! Club bathrooms! Library stacks! We’ve all been on that school trip where a person “secretly” gave some dude a handy under their coats and they thought nobody else heard them but actually everybody heard them.
Hand jobs, maybe even more than other kinds of sex, require a lot of communication, too. Every guy reading this has been in some awkward hand job sitch where the person handjobbing u was just coming at it from all the wrong angles and doing weird things with their fingers and twisting the head and just generally being TOO VIGOROUS until you are like WHAT ARE YOU DOING. But see, that’s the moment where you get to tell them exactly how you like it.
Most of all, hand jobs are awesome because you can kiss your partner as you enjoy being worked over. And what’s steamier than mutual masturbation while you’re making out?