Gay men have a thing with straight dudes. We love you! But to be clear, it’s not because you’re straight that we love you but because you are male and we love cocks. So much of the male centric homoerotic immediate-sex industrial complex has to do with the valorization of straight men and straight maleness. Roll through your favorite porn site, which I know is already bookmarked on your computers, and you’ll see tons of stories and videos about gay guys are having sex with a hot “bro.” That or you can go on Craigslist and see people who are totally straight but whatever they’re just looking for a BJ because their girlfriend is “out of town.”
It doesn’t really make sense to love straight men so much, because sexual attraction doesn’t always depend on where you like to put it. It’s like, every time I gush over how hot someone is, inevitably one of my straight friends chimes in: “He’s straight, though.” THANK YOU FOR SPELLING THAT OUT FOR ME. Just because he’s straight doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to find him attractive. I find him attractive because he is male, not because he is straight or gay.
Gay men love straight men because we are afraid to be gay. We are afraid of effeminacy, difference or any self-presentation that isn’t inherently and unquestionably masculine. Masculine gays are tops and femme guys are bottoms, period. Or so the stereotypes go. Even within my friend group we describe tops as “toppy” (masculine) and bottoms as “bottomy” (feminine). It’s a fun, convenient way to get the point across!
Friend 1: “I went on a date last night with a guy from Grindr.”
Friend 2: “Oooo jam. What was he like?”
Friend 1: “He’s hot — so toppy.”
The thing about straight guys is, these assholes love flirting with gay dudes as much as gay dudes love flirting with them! It’s part of straight dude lore that, “Well, if a gay guy finds me attractive then I must be Da Literal Shit because gay dudes are picky.” And we are! But sometimes I wonder what straight guys get out of flirting with gay boys. Certainly not a blowjob, which is what you should be getting from us since science shows we are awesome at that.
I was at an art thing last week and I was talking to an artist who was working on something and I was trying to flirt with him. You can tell I’m flirting with you if I ask some dumb question. I don’t remember what I said to this guy to get the convo going, but I’m sure it was something stupid like “Wow, that’s a really nice paint brush where did u get it/also hi can u take your clothes off.”
I thought this hot artist guy was gay: he was young, maybe late 30s early 40s, an artist, kooky glasses, and he was telling me about all the drugs he did at the Limelight in New York in the 90s and how much sex and fun he had when he was younger. Great! When you flirt with someone you get an electric current where you both sort of feed off one another, and I definitely felt this.
Mind you, when gay guys enter a round of flirting with someone new, we are keen to look for signs of gayness/queerness. The “gay” voice, a rainbow thing, a leftover stamp from a gay club in town. Sure, the whole practice is rooted in stereotypes, but it’s the only way. My guy had clean nails, kooky glasses, fun shoes and overall he looked sort of kooky so I told myself, “Okay this guy is gay for sure.”
And then he did the thing that makes gay guys all over the world sad and cringe:
“My wife and I…”
UGH. Penis fail. I don’t even remember what he said after those four words because I stopped listening. He realized I’m flirting with him or he’s flirting with me or we’re both flirting with each other all along so he pulls out his “straight card” to throw some cold water on the fire.
Listen, straights: I’m all for you flirting with us. Flirting is an art form, it’s what makes the world tick. Flirting gets you better grades, a higher tip and it makes networking a whole lot easier. I’m sure there’s some study that shows how the world’s most successful people are total flirts. So see, there’s nothing wrong with a little innocent flirting. If you are going to hit on us, can you not drop the Wife/Girlfriend Bomb? If you drop it too early, it’ll make you seem defensive. And if you wait too late to do it, 45 minutes into your social intercourse, it will make us wonder why you are suddenly bringing this up. I mean I didn’t even ask you to fist me yet, calm down.
So, straight bros around the world: enjoy flirting and enjoy being flirted with. Don’t let your heterosexuality feel threatened. Just go with it, because there’s nothing more frustrating than when you knowingly flirt with us and then suddenly tell us you’re straight. A pox upon your house!