28 Rules For Visiting New York City

1. Sliding your metro card is an art form. Don’t do it too fast and don’t put it in too slowly, either. A nice, steady and purposeful motion does the trick. Bonus: if you’re not using an unlimited card and you’re down to your last $3, that pesky turnstile WILL make you swipe like 25 times in a row to make SURE it sucks out that last $2.50.

2. Please for the love of God be mindful of your fucking luggage, backpacks especially.

3. The escalator is not a ride, people. So if you’re not going to walk, stand to the right so folks can get by.

4. Do understand that if the subway pulls up and the car in front of you has no people in it, it’s empty for a REASON. Don’t go in.

5. TIP TIP TIP TIP TIP! Tip more if the waiter/waitress is hot.

6. Please please PLEASE do not walk more than two people in a row down the sidewalk. Two’s company, but three is a crowd AND PEOPLE HAVE PLACES TO BE.

7. Do J-Walk or you’ll never get anywhere.

8. Follow @NYNightlife on Twitter if you want to know what’s on and poppin in the city.

9. And speaking of the Met, don’t even bother with the free nights at MOMA or the Guggenheim. The lines will be so long that you will never make it in.

10. Do ask for directions!

11. If you’re looking for some stuff to do tonight, pick up a Village Voice. That or find some place cool and ask them what’s hot/where do they like to go.

12. It’s much better if you find a subway map app of your choice and download it on your phone, rather than squinting and looking over someone’s shoulder to look at the map.

13. We drink “soda” here. Not “pop.”

14. Don’t use the Starbucks bathrooms!!! People live there, do meth there, and curiously there is almost never any soap or toilet paper. You are asking for trouble. Pee at The Strand, Crate and Barrel in SoHo, or Barnes and Noble in Union Square.

15. You suck if you come to New York and go to some dumb chain restaurant in Times Square for dinner. It’s exactly the same as the place you’re from! But like do hit up the Dallas BBQ tho!!!

16. Think of your body as a vehicle and of the sidewalk as a highway.

17. Spend an afternoon reading a book or a magazine and people watching on The Highline. Do this instead of going to the Statue of Liberty et al.

18. And speaking of The Highline, even though it’s a beautiful, leisurely park the same speedy rules of normal sidewalk transportation apply. No three in a row! Walk to the right! Keep it moving!

19. Don’t try to be the idiot to bust through the subway doors as they’re closing. If you make it through, fabulous. If you get stuck, you will look ridiculous.

20. There is no reason whatsoever you should ever be walking around the city barefoot, not on a walk of shame, not because your shoes hurt your feet. NO!

21. Eating on the subway is fine, sometimes we all get in a hurry. But, please, no fragrant-ass food!

22. Seemingly ignore the person doing stupid shit on the subway BUT do secretly videotape it and upload it to YouTube.

23. Wear headphones if you don’t want to be bothered, even if you’re listening to pure silence.

24. Some places are cash only — I know right?

25. We stand “on” lines not “in” them.

26. Try to look like a local, especially if you want to hit up some banging clubs. That bro-fit might work in Boise, Idaho but it won’t do the trick in The Big Apple!

27. Are you sure the person you’re asking to take your picture isn’t going to run off with your camera?

28. And most of all, spend lots and lots of money in our city. We thank you for bolstering the local economy!