1. Going out on Friday or Saturday is so over. The only people going out on the weekend are the people you probably spend a lot of time making fun of. Tuesday is the new Friday, get into it.
2. If you’re trying to get into some hot, exclusive party, tell the door person you work at Vogue or some other indisputably fabulous place. Yes, the bouncer probably knows you don’t really work at Vogue but he will admire your balls. Also, saying this is not quite as bad as being like, “Do you know who I am?” which is total lameville.
3. If you’re visiting a new place and you’re not entirely sure where to go, go to the nightlife district and spot people who look cool. Go wherever they are going. I did this in Amsterdam once, like my BFF and I were totally unsure where to go so we saw these cute gay dudes dressed in all black and they looked like they were GOING somewhere, so we followed them.
4. When you roll up to a club with a long line, never wait. Whether the place you’re going is exclusive as shit or if you’re just afraid that your fake ID sucks, getting in is about confidence. Know you are getting in because you are you and you are fabulous, duh.
5. Look the part and skip the line — just walk straight up to the bouncer. Don’t be annoying, and especially don’t flash any bills or anything really pretentious like that. Respect their job as gatekeeper and just get her or him to see that you are so cool and they need you in their club or else the night is a total failure.
6. Dudes, do not go to any club with a bunch of your favorite dudefriends. Sure, you want to go out and enjoy yourselves, but a club is less likely to let in a whole bunch of bros. Unless it is gay, where males in any form are always welcome. Try it one bro at a time, and if any of you don’t make it in send your friends a text to meet up at some other spot later on.
7. Try to be creative with your look. Nightlife is about fantasy. You’re being whisked away into this alcohol-filled promised land for the next several hours. The more you look the part, the easier it will be to get in and draw attention to yourself.
8. You should be getting ready for the night at your girlfriend’s house while playing awful pop music.
9. Sometimes it pays to show up early — really early. A lot of places don’t charge a cover before a certain time, so take advantage of that. Yeah, it means you might be sitting in an empty club for hours and hours until people get there and shit starts poppin’ off, but hey! Free! And sometimes, promoters might throw extra tickets at your or give you the chance to get in the VIP Section.
10. Always read the Yelp reviews of clubs before you get there. Clubs are like brandscapes — are you a person who shops at the GAP or do you prefer American Apparel? Are you a person who goes to Fabric or are you more of the 1 OAK type? The last thing you want to do is pay some god awful cover charge for a place you’ve never been to that is going to get on your nerves after 30 minutes. Yelp reviews tell you a lot about what people before you liked and hated about their experience.
11. It’s illegal (in America) for the door person to discriminate against you for race, gender, appearance or anything like that. They can’t say, “Sorry, we’re not letting in any more black dudes/trollops right now.” But what they often do to exclude people is be like, “Sorry, it’s a private party tonight. There’s nothing I can do for you” and then walk away typing in their iPhone.
12. If that happens, know the musical line up and try to show that you belong to the crowd. Club cultures are taste cultures but they are also supposed to be safe spaces. Bouncers want to keep all the ratchetness at the door. So if you can show that you know who’s DJing or you know who’s playing tonight or you can say you’re “friends with Becca” — anything! — to show you belong, you might luck out.
13. But if you get rejected from the door to a nightclub, don’t curse out the bouncer. Don’t yell. Never, ever say “Do you know who I am!” Just walk away and try again at another time. And no, not 10 minutes later. There are lots of places to go tonight. If you get on a bouncer’s bad side they WILL remember and you will be banished before you ever set foot in the club.
14. Leave your whole wallet at home. Don’t even bring your debit card — you don’t need it! Just have an ID and whatever cash you want to spend. That way you’re limited to the budget of whatever cash you have, you won’t wake up to discover that you treated everyone to $5,000 in drinks and you won’t lose your debit card.
15. Don’t ask the DJ to play some dumb song.
16. Please don’t wear Abercrombie.
17. Never leave your drink unattended, duh.
18. When you travel to a new place, stay in a hotel that has a fabulous nightlife scene. That way you can easily call the concierge and get on the guest list.
19. Don’t hail the bartender like they’re a taxi cab and let’s not wave money at them like they’re a stripper, either.
20. Try dancing right next to the speakers so you can really feeeeeel the music.
21. If you’re unsure what to wear, throw on some kind of headpiece! Everyone loves a headpiece.
22. Get a free Google Voice number and always give people you meet at the club this number, not your real one. That way they can’t stalk you and it’s easy to block them if need be! And chances are, need be.