1. You Will Meet Hot People In A Bar.
This, for me, is the biggest myth/lie ever told by society. Expectation: a guy/girl rolls into the bar and meets the hottest person in the room within seconds. Bro comes at u with some kind of cheesy pick up line like, “Do you have a library card? Because I’m checking you out.” Eye roll. Reality: you go to the bar and there are hot people in the room for sure, but none of them pay you any attention. You’re too afraid to approach anybody because you just spilled a drink on yourself and you’re a really awkward low-talker and you don’t want them to think you’re a freaking idiot. I’ve been to the bar/club so many times and I’ve almost never instantly met or gone home with anybody like that. But maybe I’m just not doing it right!
2. You Will Drop Everything To Be With Your One True Love.
There’s always that scene in the movie where the relationship hits the fan because of some big, life changing decision that breaks everyone up. Then, suddenly, when they’re about to throw all of that love away they decide NOT to take that job on the other side of the world. They bolt out of the airplane, run through the terminal and hail a taxi — to hell with their luggage — and show up at your work. “Baby, I can’t live without you. I need you like I need to breathe.” THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN. It’s more like you’ve been waiting to break up with your long term girlfriend for a while now but you’re too afraid to cut the umbilical cord. When that job in a far away place pops up you can’t WAIT to take it because it’s your Get Out Of The Relationship Card.
3. That Nobody Ever Has Morning Breath.
Movie couples always have that eager, adventurous kiss in the morning. Oh yeah? But what about the morning breath!
4. You Will Not Use Big Theatrics To Impress And Be Perfect To Your Love.
There’s that great scene in 30 Rock (NOT A MOVIE I KNOW) where Liz Lemon is trying to impress Floyd. Because she works in show business, she gets her whole team involved in a photo shoot so that when the dude comes to her office, he’ll see her looking beautiful. Only thing is, he won’t know everything is staged! “Oh hey, I didn’t see you there.” She’s wearing a red dress, the wind machine is on full blast, she is lit perfectly and looks perfect. But NOPE. You’re lucky if your love never sees you take a dump or some other human thing.
5. That Couple’s Therapy Will Fix Everything.
Sometimes, if your relationship just isn’t working you should just end it. Why waste all of that extra cash you have lying around paying someone to tell you that you and your significant other should stay together or break up? I mean, you already have some pretty free couples therapy: your friends, who you have been talking about your relationship with until their ears fall off.
6. That There Is A Person At Your Wedding Who Will SPEAK NOW And Not Hold His Peace.
Maybe you’re torn between two people and you settle on marrying the one dude when you know all you want is to marry the other dude, someone who has been out of your life for the last 10 years but suddenly shows up again. Over the last few months you’ve become really good friends and you start to develop feelings for this guy, even though you’re about to marry this other person. As you’re about to tie the knot he storms through the chapel and screams I LOVE YOU!!!! and everybody gasps and the wedding stops and your current fiancé leaves and you marry this guy instead. DOES. NOT. HAPPEN.
7. You Will Get A Makeover And Suddenly EVERYBODY Wants Your Number.
You know I love a makeover. But seriously, when was the last time anybody actually GOT a makeover? You know the scene: a frumpy girl comes to town and gets teased for being so freaking frumpy. She finds a new group of BFFs who are popular and fabulous and they take her under their wing. Suddenly she shows up, beautiful, hair looking correct, makeup flawless and snatches all the numbers. THIS IS NOT A THING.
8. You Will Always Look Amazing During Sex.
Couples having sex in movies always look amazing. Their hair is flawless and they look so graceful and everything goes in exactly the way it’s supposed to. The whole thing is perfect and nobody has to clean up at the end. But in real life, things DON’T always go in automatically. Sometimes it’s too big. Sometimes it’s too small. Somebody farts. Somebody makes a strange noise you’ve never heard before or says something that is kind of disrespectful or hot, you can’t tell which.