1) You know you want to get laid tonight. I mean, you’ve already sprayed cologne/perfume on your freshly manicured genital region so you might as well put the area to use. Never leave the house without your keys, your wallet, your cellphone AND an excuse for when you’ve gotta get going.
2) Never hook up at your place. At that point the person knows where you live and you are making it much easier for them to stalk you.
3) NEVER STAY THE NIGHT.
4) Hook ups are like a nice, big goodie bag. It’s either going to be amazing or it’s going to suck ass — not in the way that it should suck ass though!! You just never know what you’re stepping into. When you are ready to take someone home because they are hot enough or because they call him “Mr. Pussy” or what have you, start planting your escape route all night. “Oh, I have to get up early in the morning. I have to catch a flight.” Plant it early.
5) If they are at your place and you have a dog, you’re in luck! Once everybody has climaxed find your dog and put his collar on. “I gotta take my dog out out for a shit.” That’s right — use that pup as a getaway car.
6) If they are at your place, once you’ve finished the deed jump up and take a shower but do NOT invite them in. They will get the hint.
7) Wait 10 minutes until everybody has settled down from their orgasms, then call them a cab. Just be like, “What’s your address?”
8) You’re in the middle of the deed and for some reason you’re just not feeling it anymore. Maybe they’re a face raper or you can see what they really look like or they have a little D or something traumatic like that. This is the perfect moment for you to suddenly realize something REALLY urgent that you have to tend to immediately.
9) Or, if it’s not going well and you want a clean get away, before you get too hot and heavy just casually be like, “Oh, um, so I had crabs last week…” It’s the one STD that’s sort of harmless but still scares the shit out of people because, like, THERE ARE BUGS GROWING IN YOUR CROTCH. Believe me, you will be on your way out.
10) You’re at their place and you’re looking for a way out without seeming too rude. Text a friend just before to call you in exactly 7 minutes and to keep calling until you answer. Chances are your hook-up will know this trick, having done it her or himself, but at least you won’t look like a douche bag.
11) They ended up staying the night even though you are desperate for them to leave but you don’t want to seem soulless. We have all been through this exact situation before. Sure, let them think they are staying the night. Fall asleep, as per usual. Wait a bit…then just start screaming from a fake nightmare you had. Throw pillows and jump out of the bed.
12) ALWAYS USE GOOGLE VOICE. DO NOT GIVE OUT YOUR REAL NUMBER.
13) Tell them you have to go pick up your kids. Nobody wants to hear about fucking kids on a hook up.
14) Tell them you’re so drunk that you are going to puke. You “have to be outside.”
15) Have a “hook-up mask” or wig you only wear as a getaway device. Put it on just before the sex if you want them to leave right away WITHOUT sex, or put it on right after the sex if the sex was bad and you want them to get to steppin’.
16) Never leave ANYTHING. Keep all your shit in your shoes. And if you do leave something, just kiss it goodbye.
17) Out of nowhere just start saying really offensive things about black people, white people, poor people, immigrants, gays, Jews, anybody. They have GOT to be a member of one of those groups, right?
18) “Gee, it’s getting late. I’m going to miss the last bus/train. Better get going.”