1. The One Who Is Always, ALWAYS Having Sex In The Room.
As soon as mom and pop pop kissed you goodbye and got in the station wagon to drive back to Ohio, you knew that college was going to be a bountiful land of unlimited tail. Isn’t the pursuit of tail why everyone goes to college or, say, majors in Communication? What you didn’t know was that it wouldn’t be you getting laid. No no. It’s your roommate who is constantly sneaking people into the room, and you don’t fully understand how they do it because you are SO much hotter than they are — just keeping it 100. There they are, boning while you’re trying to sleep. Like you don’t know what sex sounds like.
Listen up, people. We know what sex sounds like, and even if you try to muffle it oh it’s going to be heard and, also, made fun of. Although one time when I was in college I walked in on my roommate while he and his GF were getting it in, and to be honest I didn’t even notice/see them. I was listening to music and went straight to my COMPAQ desktop to address all my unanswered AIMs. They stormed out of the room and I didn’t know what was going on. We eventually developed a signal — a sock on the doorknob meant D + V action or, for me, D + D action was going on. Keep away, I mean unless you were planning to join, in which case…bring it out.
2. The One Who Is Always Playing Video Games.
It’s not like video games are a bad thing or that you’ve never spent hours and hours playing Minecraft. We have all been there. It’s just that THIS particular roommate is always playing video games, all the time. Barely ever leaves the room to shower. Barely leaves the room to eat. Why waste time going to class and working hard for those Cs when there are virtual monsters to be killed.
3. The Disgusting Slob.
Let’s be clear on one thing: there’s a difference between being a little bit messy and having a place that feels lived in and being a total slob. A slob happily leaves cereal bowls under the bed until the cereal bits and milk have curdled so much that it doesn’t even smell anymore. It just gets sort of gelatinous. It’s like the slob doesn’t even notice or, worse, care how gross everything has gotten. Bathrooms, kitchens, etc. Also, if you’re a guy you’re statistically more likely to accidentally see a sloppy roommate’s ballsack/penis head because he always waits to do laundry until his last pair of underwear — the ones with the embarrassing holes we all have that nobody else knows about…until laundry day.
4. The One Who Always Goes Home On The Weekend.
It’s probably liberating to have the roommate who always goes home on the weekend because it means you get to do whatever you want. You can even have sex with people without putting a sock on the door! But at a certain point you just wonder what is so amazing about home that your roommate goes back there Every. Weekend. Part of the reason you came to college was to get AWAY from home, so you don’t really get it. Plus it means you two never get to have those deep, secret late-night conversations about life, sex, and philosophy that make college so memorable.
5. The One Who Lets Their Alarm Go Off FOREVER.
Some people do not like waking up in the morning, I get it. But does your alarm really need to go off 152 times before you can pry yourself out of the bed? I know you’re annoyed about it, too, and that’s why you keep slamming the thing whenever the snooze goes off and that’s why you tell it to just “shut up.” But imagine what it must sound like for the two other people sharing this god-awful triple with you?