1) Dancing in a cage at the club. Dancing in bikini briefs at the club.
2) Foam parties.
3) Being COMPLETELY hairless, which to me is a little scary/alien looking. A crotch is supposed to have SOME hair on it, Jesus.
4) Being the center of attention/adored by everyone.
5) Tanlines. No, not the band.
6) Poppin’ they booties. What some twinks can do with their booties is absolutely breathtaking. BEHOLD:
7) Twinks populate every ethnicity — there are black twinks, white twinks, AZN twinks, and so forth. But no matter their level of melanin, you’ll always know a twink by their unnaturally blonde hair. That’s because twinks are like Twinkies — soft and blonde on the outside, but stuffed with a certain creamy filling that’s just waiting to be let out.
8) The drag show on Thirsty Thursdays.
10) Swoopy Justin Bieber bangs — with highlights. Eyebrows teased to eternity.
11) Stripper poles. Twinks are magically born knowing exactly how to interact with a stripper pole.
12) Brent Corrigan. Max Ryder. Jake Bass. Dillon Rossi. Sean Cody. Bel Ami. Porn featuring other twinks with titles like “Twenty Twinks,” “Euro Twink Feet,” and “Office Twinks.”
13) Bros and “straight-acting” guys.
14) Working at mall stores like Wet Seal. If you see a twink working at the local Wet Seal, you KNOW boyfriend knows how to work an outfit miss honey, yaaass. Stick with him because he will show you the hottest pieces in the store.
15) Lip gloss. I said my lip gloss is cool, my lip gloss be poppin. I’m standing at my locker, and all the boys keep on stoppin.
16) Underwear with the ass cut out.
17) Being a V.I.B — a Very Important Beauty Insider at Sephora.
18) Gossip, since it allows the twink to say “gurrrrl” over and over.
19) White guys.
20) Staying pretty and innocent-looking. The whole point of twinkdom is holding onto your youth.
21) Astroglide! If it’s good enough for space shuttles, it’s good enough for some nice, ribald butt sex.
22) Having tattoos of stars on the wrist, on the neck and — yes — on the ass.
23) Wearing sunglasses at night. At the club.
24) Going to brunch and having mimoossaaaaas.
25) Fabulous pants. Designer handbags.
26) TyPiNG aLl TeXt MEssAgEs lIkE THis OMG yAy!!!
27) Dramatic reality shows like America’s Next Top Model, RuPaul’s Drag Race. Wishing they were the bitchy judge on the show, giving all those wannabes the real tea.
28) Gymnastics. Soccer. Swimming. These “sports” allow the twink to remain just toned enough without venturing out into muscle queen territory.
29) Being — or working to appear — between the ages of 14-25. Once you start aging, gaining weight and letting that hair grow in full force, it’s all down hill. Just throw in the towel.
30) Juice cleanses. Kegels.
31) Bottoming — although not every twink is a bottom, as a simple Google search will reveal.