1) You’re probably never going to play Red Light Green Light again, unless you and your friends are purposefully trying to recreate the most magical moments from 3rd grade recess.
2) You’re never going to get really excited about going to the computer lab after lunch where you’ll fight your peers for the best computer/mouse and play Number Munchers and The Oregon Trail.
3) You’re never going to collect Pogs again. You’ll just collect apps instead.
4) You’re never going to blow on the bottom of a video game cartridge to make it play better. However, you WILL shake your iPhone/Android or beat it to death whenever it jacks up, so I guess it’s really the same idea.
5) You’re never going to carry a discman. Remember when you had to hold that thing an an exact, upright position or it would start skipping? I mean, unless you were one of those rich people who had the fancy “Water-Resistant, Skip Proof!” model.
6) You’re probably never going to do The Macarena again, unless the song comes on at some club and you are having a total 90s moment.
7) You’re never going to think you’re really cool because you have a Super Soaker — the one with the backpack that gave you some EXTRA water-soaking prowess.
8) The media is never again going to scare us about a calendar year change. Not until, like, the year 3000, when we will all be flying around in pods or will have totally deserted the Earth altogether for one of the other 170 billion possible planets in the galaxy.
9) You’re never going to get scared by Are You Afraid of the Dark again. Being afraid of the dark is all marketing, anyway. It’s like Jack Donaghy says: business people are the ones who realized “there was a whole segment of consumers not buying light bulbs. The asleep. That realization led him to develop the nightlight and the marketing campaign aimed at making children afraid of the dark. ‘A monster under every bed.’
10) There’s never going to be a game show like Double Dare, where you might sloshed in some mysterious green slime if you’re not too careful.
11) You’re never going to carry a beeper, use a floppy disc OR a laser disc.
12) You’re probably not going to wear a Scrunchie or bibs/overalls. You’re not going to wear Abercrombie and Fitch just so you can try to sit at the “cool table.”
13) You’re never going to use Napster for your illegal downloads — certainly not in the age of Bit Torrents, Spotify, and Dropbox folder sharing.
14) You’re never going to wear JNCOS because we are not in middle school.
15) You’re never going to call a person and not get through because they’re on the other line or using the Internet. You’re never going to hear the sound of dial-up Internet. You’re never going to get free CDs in the mail from AOL, promising a 25 hour Internet trial because now whole neighborhoods like Chelsea have free Internet for all.
16) You’re never going to have to wonder “Omg, what’s that song?” because you can just Shazam it. You’re never again going to run to the radio to record your favorite song as soon as you hear it come on. Remember when you popped the tabs in the cassette so you wouldn’t record over it but then you just put some masking tape over those holes so you could use the tape again?