If I Dated Justin Timberlake

Justin Timberlake is definitely in the Top Five on my list of The Hottest White Guys In Hollywood. The list is him along with Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Dave Franco, and Andrew Garfield. What can I say? I like guys with strong jawlines!

I’ve always had the hots for Jus10, which is exactly how I wrote his name when I was but a wee twink in high school. I had all the Justin Timberlake posters on my walls, including the one where he’s shirtless (yes God!). But see, I was careful to obfuscate my gayness by having an equal number of girl posters, like sexy posters of Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and any other decoy betch I could use to not give myself away entirely. Remember when Justin had a special McDonald’s Happy Meal toy in, like, 1999? Yeah, my mom definitely got me the Justin Timberlake one as a present.

s_bukley / Shutterstock.com
s_bukley / Shutterstock.com

JT has piercing eyes, and he had that curly hair that you just wanted to run your hands through. Plus he’s tall and skinny, one of my favorite boy traits. But part of what makes him so amazing is that he’s funny. He’s always been a goofball, and that’s always a major turn on.

I admire the way Justin has morphed into an A-List celebrity, unlike the rest of his *NSYNC bandmates. You know you’ve made it when you’re so famous that you’re everywhere and nobody remembers where you came from, that you’re just sort of this entity who has always been super famous. Part of that is branding, which is probably why he shaved his head and keeps it short, to distance himself from “that” Justin Timberlake. And it maybe also explains the brilliant PR move of him dating A-List people like Cameron Diaz, Janet Jackson, and Britney Spears.

If I dated Justin Timberlake I would tell him that he should PLEASE drop a new record. Come on, bro, it’s been like a million years since your last album. Give us what we want already! The new record would have collaborations with all the hot people of the moment. I would ask him what it was like growing up in Memphis and if he knows a good recipe for BBQ sauce, since that’s a thing Memphis people are amazing at. I would ask him what it was like being a Mouseketeer along with Christina Aguilera, Ryan Gosling, and Britney Spears. And actually, I would ask what it was like dating Britney Spears before she went cray cray, each one penning a song about how the other was such a dick.

I would tell him that I really loved In Time, even though it didn’t do so well. I would ask him to PLEASE convince Christina Aguilera that she needs a new hair color. She apparently won’t listen to the Internet, her family, or her gay, but maybe she’d listen to her old pal Justin?? I would get him to tell me that the Janet Jackson nip-slip was totally planned beforehand.

If I dated Justin Timberlake, when we had sex (which would be A LOT) sometimes I’d ask him to hide his D in a box for me, and I would be excited to see it every time he brought it out. We would go skinny dipping in his infinity pool that overlooks L.A. and smoke joints in the pool. We would work the red carpet together and we’d start a new musical project called YAASSS. Jessica Biel would get totally jealz but whatevs. TC mark

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