2013 should be the year you kiss bullshitters buh-bye. In a lot of ways, The Bullshitter means no harm. It’s just that they either don’t know what they want, or they aren’t ready to commit to you fully so they say what they need to say to keep you around — even if it’s not the truth. The Bullshitter is the person who always comes up with big excuses about why they can’t meet you or why they can’t hang out that weekend. They never text you first and take forever in between texts to get back to you. It’s like that Sex and the City episode where Mr. Big complains about the persistent unavailability of his new movie star girlfriend Willow. “She can reach me, but I can’t get her. EVER.” You can’t help who you love, and if you’ve fallen in love with and/or been hurt by The Bullshitter, do yourself a favor and say NO to BS this year. Shut it down.
2. A Person You Have Boring Sex With
With the possibility of sex so good it makes you cry lingering out there in the world of intercourse, 2013 should be the year you say NO! to fake or lackluster orgasms and YES! to mind-blowing, back-scratching body spasms. Sex is an important part of a healthy romantic relationship, and you should be sure the person you’re with is compatible with your sexual needs and wants. If you’re into some kind of kinky fetish, like, say, having jelly beans eaten out of your ass, or even if the fetish is not that kinky but you want it done to you anyway, you shouldn’t feel afraid to talk about it with your partner. If your partner is doing something you don’t like, talk about it. May 2013 be the year we put a stop to bad sex, once and for all.
3. A Cheapskate
We have all hit rock bottom at some point, and that means we can’t always afford the things we want to do for the people we love. But there’s a difference between not being able to afford it and being a cheapskate. Not being able to afford it is wanting to but not being able to, but being a cheapskate is trying to find the easiest way out period, like getting anniversary gifts from the bodega. Relationships shouldn’t be about money, but it’s kind of like what you spend is how you feel. There’s that Amanda Lepore song “My Pussy” where she’s all talking about how expensive her V is. “My pussy is expensive” she says. I played this song for my cousin the other day and she said, “My pussy sure is expensive. You gotta take it out to dinner, dress it up, put a ring on it and all that” And see, that’s why you can’t date a cheapskate in 2013.
4. A Person Who Requires Too Much Attention
Sometimes you need some ME time and you just don’t feel like staying in and cuddling on the sofa every single night of the week. The attention seeker needs to know where you are at all times and makes you feel guilty about going out, hanging with your friends, or doing anything that doesn’t directly involve them. Space is important in any relationship, and you can’t be so obsessed with your boy/girlfriend that you’re constantly wondering about them. You have to both be individuals, together.
5. A Person Who Laughs At Your Career Goals
Your boy/girlfriend should be encouraging, not discouraging. Let’s stop dating people who laugh or scoff at the things we want to do in life, even if our life-long dream is to become a trapeze artist or underwear model. If your partner doesn’t agree with your choices, they should still be encouraging anyway. They should let you do you. The point of a relationship is that two people are at their best and come together to form an awesome whole.
6. A Person You Think You Can Change
Sometimes we find people who are almost totally perfect if it weren’t for that one super annoying trait, like clipping their toenails at the kitchen table and forgetting to clean it up. We think we can change people but the fact is that a kitchen table toenail clipper will always be a kitchen table toenail clipper. People don’t change, so either embrace their oddities or avoid them altogether, but don’t date someone you immediately want to change.
7. A Person Who Doesn’t Make You Feel Special
When you see your boy/girlfriend, your face should light up, not fill with dread. You should be so excited to see them again, to get dressed up for them, to stare into their eyes, to feel their touch, to have them caress your neck when you make out. They should make you feel special, chosen. They should make you feel desired and loved. When you ask them to come over they shouldn’t have any lame excuses like “Well, I’m kind of watching a game with my bros.” Shut it down.