1) The royalty check from your summer dance jam “Balls” might leave you a little disappointed.
2) There are zero career prospects for people with degrees from SUNY…ONEONTA. Don’t even bother.
3) Always wear a tuxedo after 6 — unless you’re willing to be taken for a person with no social influence whatsoever.
4) The word is pronounced cam-ur-ah.
5) You cannot date your really hot cousins.
6) Why yes, it is possible to turn gay for a single individual! Don’t let anyone tell you different.
7) Even when you look frumpy it doesn’t mean you’re not wearing something fabulous underneath. An instant, dramatic outfit reveal can brighten up any dull moment.
8) Sex is a competition.
9) Studies show that, on average, men with a head full of hair earn 17% more than their bald counterparts.
10) When a movie is really bad it doesn’t go straight to DVD. Jenna played Avery Jessup in the Jessup life story, Kidnapped By Danger: The Avery Jessup Story, Brought To You With Limited Commercial Interruptions by Pride Bladder Control Pants. Pride: Make Every Room a Bathroom. Now available on Sega Genesis.
11) You should keep a separate set of “business weaves” that are ready to glue in for all important office meetings and negotiation sessions.
12) Everyone should date a person who is young, poor, and eager to please.
13) When you’re going to a fancy function, yes, it’s absolutely within the realm of good social etiquette to wear a nice, fleece hoody to compliment your expensive evening gown.
14) Know that if somebody says something too ridiculous it IS possible to spit copious liquids in horror — and you weren’t even drinking anything.
15) When you get the urge to leave drunken messages with the co-op board because they didn’t approve your application, just hang up the phone.
16) Showing up to jury duty as Princess Lea does NOT excuse you from jury duty.
17) It is impossible to say “The Rural Juror” and have anyone understand you.
18) The number one reason not to have a baby in Canada is because their milk comes in bags. BAGS.
19) Graduate students are the worst people.
20) A parent is the one person who loves us the most, who’s supposed to tell us we’re beautiful even when we’re ugly, that we’re smart even when we went to Arizona State.
21) We all have to work with people we hate sometimes. There’s no escaping it.
22) Choosing is a sin, so you should always write in the Lord’s name.
23) Sometimes when you have a “no sex with Asians” rule, you walk into The Sharper Image and there’s Quan. What are you supposed to do?
24) You should get your hair cut every two days because, after all, your hair is your head suit.
25) Reagan is God.
26) You can use your oven to warm your jeans in the morning.
27) When someone says they went to college in Boston — well not in Boston but nearby — they’re not talking about Tufts.
28) It is entirely possible to have bedbugs, even if you went to Princeton.
29) Love is hiding who you really are at all times.
30) There are some ex’s you just can’t get away from.
31) There’s no such thing as “real America.”
32) The Royal Tampa Academy of Dramatic Tricks is a fine institution of higher learning.
33) Don’t hate your enemies. Always keep your friends close and your enemies so close you’re almost kissing.
34) Republicans are, by nature, aging, mean, and rich.