1) Happily read or edit your novel/dissertation chapter/play for free every time you place it in front of their eyes, which is kind of frequently. By the end of the project they know more about it than you do. Don’t forget to put them in the acknowledgements!
2) A best friend will do what they can to prevent you from going out into society looking like a piping hot mess, telling you that they can see what you’re going for but this particular look is not hitting it.
3) Forgive you easily. People like to hold grudges for wrongs made forever ago, but a best friend will just accept the mistake as one of your flaws and will forgive you for it. I mean, unless you snatch their man, in which case, that’s on you.
4) When you go to check into a hotel in L.A. for an illicit affair with a person you really like and who you have been talking to your BFF about for months, your credit card gets declined and you know you can call the best friend right away and they will let you use theirs. You hate this and it’s so embarrassing to even take it there, but you know they’re the only person who will do it.
5) Keep you saved in their phone as a nickname that’s an inside joke. One of my closest guy friends is in my phone as Elizabeth Taylor because we both love over-the-top divas. Yes, we are homosexuals.
6) Answer the phone by the third ring whenever you call.
7) Hold your hair. Help you when you’re sick.
8) Put pirated copies of your favorite American television shows in a shared Dropbox folder because you can’t get them in Singapore.
9) Tell you secret things that are supposed to be kept under wraps, like how amazing (or perhaps not so amazing) the genitalia is of a person you are sleeping with.
10) Tell you that, Yes, he is an asshole. Dump him right now. Then go out for drinks after.
11) Do stupid things with you that you can laugh about later, like going to the mall and taking silly photos in the photo booth or just generally being ridiculous.
12) Listen to all of your manic relationship issues for the duration of your relationships with all the various people you date and/or sleep with.
13) “My friend over there on the other side of the room thinks you’re super hot.”
14) Lend you money. Multiple times. Co-sign an apartment lease. You won’t fuck it up because if you do, sh-t will get real.
15) Save you from a potentially bad date by giving you an “emergency phone call” in the middle of it.
16) A best friend will read you, hunty, and tell you exactly when your sh-t stinks, no matter how successful you get or what you accomplish in life. But you never get mad because you know what they’re saying is totally true. It makes you try to be a better human being