1. Don’t be afraid to be ambitious. There are two kinds of people in the world — people who are OK just getting by and living a comfortable life with a good salary that allows them to avoid bill collectors and to maybe take a nice Caribbean vaycay once a year. Then there are people who are hungry for more, who dream of seeing their name in lights, either as an actor, writer, partner in a law firm, journalist, fashion designer, whatever. Don’t settle for average if you know you can have more.
2. Compete with yourself, not with others. Wherever you go there will always be somebody infinitely more fabulous than you and there is just nothing you can do about that. Don’t say things like, “Of course she got a 7-figure book deal — she went from Dalton to Princeton to Harvard and her dad is a famous TV anchor.” Instead, learn from her fabulousness. A little healthy competition is always good.
3. Take risks. Being comfortable is great, but sometimes taking a big risk can lead to an awesome payoff you can’t foresee.
4. Have a three way!
5. Videotape that three way and put it on X-Tube.
6. Don’t take “no” for an answer.
7. Be the kind of person who makes things happen for yourself, rather than waiting for them to happen to you.
8. Take breaks/vacations/call in sick. We all have to work so we can have enough money to go to in at the Alexander Wang sample sale, but maybe you should stay home today, sleep in a little late and watch The View.
9. People watch. People are so weird and you will feel much less awkward once you realize how awkward other people are.
10. Stop playing Farmville on Facebook.
11. Say “yes” to more stuff. Say “yes” to One more drink, to Do you want to come over to watch a movie, to a last minute trip to Atlantic City.
12. Change your hairstyle. Surprise the mess out of people and dye that shit purple. They will not know what to do with you now.
13. Date somebody from a different race!
14. Don’t be afraid of ugly days. We all have them, and nobody notices the armpit hole in your sweater but you.
15. Instead of getting mad at things, just say, “It is what it is” and move on.
16. Make your bed in the morning. I love making my bed because it’s like erasing whatever happened the day before and starting fresh.
17. Buy yourself something you’ve always wanted. I understand the benefits of saving and everything, but what’s the point of sitting on all that money if you never treat yourself? Go get that expensive lace front weave you’ve always wanted.
18. Have dinner parties and invite all of your favorite people over. We get so trapped in the rhythm of Sleep/Work/Repeat that we forget the people who matter most to us.
19. Paint a room in your house/apartment. When I was little there was nothing I enjoyed more than switching everything in my room around and the feeling of accomplishment I had afterwards.
20. Step outside of your comfort zone. Don’t stick with a simple routine, challenge yourself to discover new things.
21. See a live taping of Chelsea Lately. That bitch is so funny.
22. Take a road trip across the country, doing shrooms and other drugs with all your best friends.
23. Accept the fact that nothing really matters.
24. Do the “no pants subway ride.”
25. Stop using “but I have to get up early” as an excuse not to do things with your friends. Everybody has to get up early!
26. Don’t take yourself so seriously.
27. Just let all that trivial, ratchet BS go.
29. Create a hilarious YouTube video.
30. Wear a Halloween costume or something else really strange on any other day but Halloween. I always love it when people do weird stuff like that. I once saw this guy in the subway who was dressed in a look made ENTIRELY of those little candy necklaces we all ate as children. He even wore a necklace that said “Candyman.” Now THAT is fabulous.