You’re Not Straight. You’re Not Gay. You’re Not Bisexual Either.

A psychiatrist at New York University who studies human sexuality has devised an incredibly specific test to get to the bottom of how gay/straight/bi/queer everybody really is! It’s called the Flextuality test, and in a little under 15 minutes you can finally pinpoint your real sexual orientation once and for all.

Take the test and you’ll see that there’s basically a range of twelve sexual types, starting with the “heteroflexibles” and the “supersexuals” ending with the last, very vanilla label of “straight.”

Here’s a brief breakdown:

Heteroflexible: You are open to fooling around with someone of the same sex, even though you generally consider yourself straight. Also known as bi-curious, questioning, experimenting, or mostly straight.

AKA: Posts ads on Craigslist when his girlfriend goes out of town “Looking for no recip BJ/GF out of town.” Type this into a Craigslist search window and see for yourselves!

Supersexual: You have a strong drive and are interested in finding new ways to express yourself sexually. You probably prefer the opposite sex, but gender is less important than opportunity.

AKA: Will eff the eff out of anything that moves.

Macho: Only applies to men. You are willing to have sex with other men, so long as you are the active or insertive partner. Your partner may be gay, but you consider yourself straight or a “top.”

AKA: Daddies and pedophiles.

Straight: You lack sexual and romantic feelings for members of the same sex, and any same-sex experiences have confirmed your lack of interest. Also known as heterosexual.

AKA: You’re boring and live in Connectiut but potentially have other explosive vices.

The neat thing about the test is that you can see other people’s scores, which turns it into a really fun game for the whole family. Also: basically anybody who started the exam swearing they were “heterosexual” ended up “heteroflexible,” which kind of confirms that heterosexuality is a social construct – read your Judith Butler, people.

I took the test thinking my result would be the really hip sounding queer, which basically means that you’re so over the divide between gay and straight, male and female, that you revel in your post-everything-ness. You’re homoflexible. But it looks like I’m actually ambisexual, guys! How alien does that sound? Ambisexual. It means that I’m attracted to everybody in more or less the same way and to more or less the same degree. But I don’t know about that, especially since vaginas kind of freak me out, so.

Despite the being into dudes thing, though, I’d like to think that I’d get with a very specific kind of girl if the opportunity ever popped up. I did have a major crush on this hipster chick who worked at the cafe I used to go to at university. She was rad. I just like beautiful people, in all their forms.

Which brings me to the fact that I’ve had a lot of experiences with straight guys. I mean, with going to boarding school and everything plus living in the dorms during college, somebody is bound to be somebody’s J/O  or BJ buddy. My most memorable experience with a straight was with this really hot crew dude. You would never suspect this bro of getting down with dudes, which is why it was so fun! But whenever I came over, he was like…try not to look so gay. Can’t have any obviously gay dudes coming in and out of my dorm.

Thing is, of all the straights I have ever enjoyed, there is no doubt in my mind that these guys are actually attracted to women, have girlfriends, that they want to procreate and have a family and that whole song and dance. People always say: “Yeah, well if he has any sexual contact wth a guy, or if she has any sexual contact with a girl, then neither of them is straight.But see that’s a double standard, right? Because girls who sleep with girls are like totally rad and fun and hip. But a dude who does it is necessarily gay? Pleaase.

One str8 guy told me that he likes fooling with guys because for him, it’s mostly carnal and you can just get in and get on with it. I admire people who are so liberated. People have been expressing themselves this way sexually for thousands of years, and I think history knows better than we do.

Case in point: in an explosive interview with NOW magazine, Tom Hardy, the very sexy and very toppy star of Inception, was asked if he’d ever had gay sex.

Of course I have. I’m an actor for f*ck’s sake. I’ve played with everything and everyone. I love the form and the physicality, but now that I’m in my thirties, it doesn’t do it for me. I’m done experimenting but there’s plenty of stuff in a relationship with another man, especially gay men, that I need in my life.

See how comfortable he is with his sexuality? So hey, everybody, take your Flexuality test today! Who knows, maybe you really will end up in the vanilla pile. Mostly, though, tests like these prove that human sexuality is a continuum rather than a definite straight or gay, even for the gayest and straightest of people. Everybody has had a same sex experience. Everybody has had an opposite sex experience. Neither makes you gay or straight, it just means you’re hip and want to get laid. Sexuality is a stream that flows in the direction of the nearest orgasm. TC mark

More From Thought Catalog

  • Neil

    My whole life has been a lie.

  • http://popserial.tumblr.com stephen

    “The neat thing about the test is that you can see other people’s scores, which turns it into a really fun game for the whole family.”

    ^
    hehe

  • Matt

    I'd fuck me

  • chris r

    Jesus Christ. What an annoying article. I was as bored by this 'piece' as you apparently are with 'straight' people. The polarity of this website amazes me. Some articles on here are amazing and seem 'ahead' of what other 'blogs' seem to be writing about, but then articles like this seem to bask in the glory of topics overwritten about a decade ago. My perception of your tone in this article had me picturing loud women on one of those “The Real Women Of…” shows, dissecting what is and isn't cool. Or my mom and her sister-in-laws on Thanksgiving. “You know, I read on Thought Catalog that men who only have sex with women are BORING! What do you THINK of THAT?!”

    More 'terms' and 'labels' are exactly what we need isn't it? Genre's are so fun to talk about. Then you don't have to actually talk about anything real. Just what to call things that aren't real themselves. The other day, I asked for no cheese on a burrito I ordered at a restaurant and the waitress asked me if I was vegan, and after I answered her, she told me she was a 'lacto-ovo pescetarian' and I almost hit her. If she told me she was a “flexerosexual” I probably would have.

    Way to be the only person more boring than Jordan Castro. I want my 3 minutes back.

    • Madison Moore

      funny that for an article that was apparently so offensive, so boring, so beneath your standards that you took the time to read it and even more time to write TWO WHOLE PARAGRAPHS ! sounds like a winner to me. i love pissing people off.

      • http://staugustine2.wordpress.com/ Steven Augustine

        Dood, let's put this fallacy to bed (no pun intended) right now: just because someone read your article to the end and commented in some detail doesn't, logically, mean that his denunciations are false/ironic/hypocritical. Perhaps he read with a mounting sense of incredulity, ie: “how much worse can this crap get?” and he got to the very end that way and then vented. Maybe your article (as indicated in the closing segments of his vent) is emblematic of a larger social tendency he finds irritating/abhorrent? There is something pathetically post-Consumerist Dupe about not only micro-managing one's Human Content Labels in Public but embracing the practice as well: “I am not a person, I am a collection of spending tics and I shop exclusively at HIPSTER VEGAN HETEROFLEXIBLE ELECTRONICS with all of my identical bros.” I mean, we all have twists and quirks but unless there were medical issues we used to keep them PRIVATE, which was an important aspect of one's relationships: there was shit that people only knew about you if they were very close and some things no one knew unless you had kids with them… and someone things *no body* ever found out: not any more! It's all on the Facebook and also the Virtual Facebook you carry around wherever you go now (ie: your big fucking mouth). But the point I think the disgruntled poster was mostly making was about the category of private details that's just too BORING for anyone to want to know but is now, you know, forced to.

      • Madison Moore

        thank you for your thoughtful reply. i would write a longer retort, but im too busy being ambisexual, so.

      • http://staugustine2.wordpress.com/ STaugustine

        Better than Nomosexual!

      • http://staugustine2.wordpress.com/ STaugustine

        (oh shit: Disqus account confusion kicking in)

      • ThomasAquinas

        Jesus.

      • Femail

        please let me stuff your mouth. im sure you are very pretty groaning incoherently.

      • http://vauban.tumblr.com/ Henry Vauban

        I like what you are saying here Steven.

        I think it's kind of childish to use this “well you bothered to respond” defence. It happens often enough that one ought to denounce it. It is funny though that Madison, rather than thinking about her defence, just added another quasi-snarky “I'm too cool” type response.

        I took the test, because I think these kinds of studys are interesting. But I don't have any faith in the results. It's just another imput–maybe a level above the “what literary theorist are you?” facebook surveys. Maybe I'm a cynic, but I think people design these sorts of tests to get the answers they are looking for. At least that's what I would do.

      • http://staugustine2.wordpress.com/ STaugustine

        Henry: indeed! I only even bothered to comment because Madison's move has become such a common OP retort tactic. Equal Rights for People Who Complain About The Free Ice Cream…!

    • DDDDDDD

      Find a chillwave and fucking ride it.

  • Jeremy Helligar

    A really interesting article. A few years ago, I wouldn't have agreed, but living in Buenos Aires, which must be one of the most sexually liberated cities on the planet, I now fully agree. I just wish people would stop hiding behind the “bisexual” tag. Most of us are, to some degree, so what use is it?

    • Komatth

      Jeremey I don’t consider it hiding to be call myself bisexual. I would love to drop the label because indeed it does upset “straight” women a lot and gay men often get a big hair up their ass about it which has made dating a bit difficult online. But eventually I found the female compliment to my sexual openness which is turning out to be the most affirming relationship I ever had. But the fact of the matter is I have always known “Straight” is not straight. Because I am a huge athletic masculine person most straight men when finding out my sexual orientation “come out” to me and more than a few have “come on” to me. Straight is pretty much the queerest orientation out there, just don’t tell the gay men who are enmeshed in “gay incorporated” they just can’t handle the fact that they don’t have a monopoly on mansex.

    • Komatth

      Jeremey I don’t consider it hiding to be call myself bisexual. I would love to drop the label because indeed it does upset “straight” women a lot and gay men often get a big hair up their ass about it which has made dating a bit difficult online. But eventually I found the female compliment to my sexual openness which is turning out to be the most affirming relationship I ever had. But the fact of the matter is I have always known “Straight” is not straight. Because I am a huge athletic masculine person most straight men when finding out my sexual orientation “come out” to me and more than a few have “come on” to me. Straight is pretty much the queerest orientation out there, just don’t tell the gay men who are enmeshed in “gay incorporated” they just can’t handle the fact that they don’t have a monopoly on mansex.

  • Flexuality

    Thanks for writing about my Flex Test! Funny and insightful.

  • speedandsleep

    hold on a second. there's a category for straight people who don't like members of the same sex, but there's none for gay people who don't like the opposite sex?

  • Fantom

    Test is offline, point invalidated

  • Pedro

    So you mean your whole “heterossexual” family posts ads on Craigslist when their partners go away?

  • man

    dude, youre gay. its only gay or straight, no in between. and youre gay.

  • 9_9

    My immediate annoyance: What about the asexuals? I swear, the queer theorists must hate the asexuals because it invalidates their entire basis.

  • anonymous

    LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. cool.

  • Carlos

    Written by a fag, no doubt…

  • Armrio

    Heterosexual is by definition, people who have sex with the opositte sex.If someone makes sex with another member of the same sex this person is not hetero, even if they don’t have romantic feelings for them.These  “straight” guys that have sex with men are bisexual, like most of the people are to some degree.They keep labeling themselves “straight” because we live in a heterosexist society that makes them feel superior and make self-identifying gays feel they are superior too, observe that the people that insists the most on that heterosexuality are the guys themselves and the gays that have fantasies with their “superiority”.

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