You Know You’re A-List When…
Just in case you were dying to know what it’s like to be white and gay and fabulous in New York City, the LOGO network has a brand new show just for you! “The A-List,” the gay world’s answer to The Real Housewives franchise, premiered on Monday and it basically follows six incredibly down to earth dudes who show us what it’s like to be fabulous. Take Note: every gay in New York is white!!!
Seems kind of silly. Seems like somebody on the A-List doesn’t walk around shouting, Hey everybody, I’m on the A-List. Don’t think an A-List person would whore themselves out on a television show about how fabulous they are. Already know they’re fabulous, read about them in the society pages. Think that the only A-List celebrities who do television are the ones who aren’t on the A-List anymore. Know you’re A-List when you only exist in print.
But, anyway! Since everybody on the show is pretty much unknown, let’s meet the cast: there’s Austin, who “dated” Marc Jacobs once upon a time but since the break up got gay fat (read: skinny but too fat for a gay) and so, like, kind of less attractive. Then there’s Derek, the requisite overly tan bitchy twink who’s totally BFFs with Lindsay Lohan. Mike Ruiz, a fashion photog, is actually the closest thing to “A-List” on the show, especially next to a dude like Reichen, who is basically known because used to fuck the pre-out Lance Bass. Ryan owns a hair salon – what’s a show about fierce gays without a hairstylist – but the most important thing is that he has a black sugar daddy! Finally there’s Rodiney, the only one on the show who acts like a human being. Plus…he’s really hot.
On the first episode, everybody meets everybody and they go around the room about their connections, the “celebrities” they know, how “gaymous” they are. Um…“gaymous”? Really bro? The whole episode centers on Reichen who’s in an Off-Off-Off-Off-Off Broadway play. Austin – the one who “dated” Marc Jacobs – and Reichen hooked up 46 times or something like that and now they’re reunited for the first time in ages. So you know what that means: tons of on-air gay sex! But see, Reichen is actually with Rodiney the hot Brazilian, who speaks poor (but very cute) English. Ruh roh!
You expect any show about “The A-List” to be really vapid and superficial. But this show takes it to a whole ‘nother level. I mean, I love vapidity. I love it when things bling, and I love it when people are all, I’m Great, Look At How Spectacular I Am. I think greatness is contagious, so being around other people who are super helps you bring out your spectacular parts. Or at least it helps motivate you to compete with them on the inside. When you’re vapid, it’s all out there. People with false modesty are really scary because you never get to see the real them.
But…who compares people to one another based on knowing Everybody? I can’t stand posturing gays like these – you know, the nobody-is-better-than-me-bleached-out-hair-plus-overly-tan-skin-carrying-a-very-very-labeled-Louis-Vuitton-bag-bitchy-queen. Where are we, LA? Feel like these kind of gay dudes are all image, no soul. Would not want to be trapped with them at dinner, would not know what to say to them on the street. Depressed that this is actually the dominant image of gay culture, is 100% why I don’t go to gay bars/clubs/things.
I much prefer gay dudes who are creative-y. My ideal gay has black fingernails, maybe a tattoo, wears all black, is an “artist,” maybe plays in a band, quotes from Marx, like, everyday, and considers himself “post” everything. A show about this gay would follow the dude as he works on his blog at a hip café in Williamsburg/Silverlake/The Mission, contemplates what Adorno means by “The Culture Industry,” doesn’t even know who Katy Perry is.
Still! I’m probably going to get addicted to this stupid ass A-List show, mostly to see what ridiculous, completely offensive thing these queens will do next. I suppose hating the characters makes for good television.