It’s like midnight and I’m two hours into a 20-hour train ride from Chicago to New York. All the lights are on, nobody’s talking and it’s freezing which makes it next to impossible to sleep. I’m sitting there, bored, bored, bored, trying anything to get into a deep sleep, but all I manage to do is toss and turn as much as the little seat will allow. 12am – 5am. Play on iPhone. Flip through Italian Vogue. Wide awake.
The sun pops up from the ground by the time I finally black out and I don’t really remember anything when I wake back up. But I think I do something to trigger my memory, because all the sudden I’m like, Holy shit! I just had the hottest sex dream I I’ve ever had in my whole life. I’ll spare the details, but basically I’m getting completely nailed by Matt Bomer, star of USA’s White Collar. I’m talking like nailed nailed. Sooo good. And guess what else? We were doing it in my grandmother’s garage, which only makes this piece of theater that much more interesting.
The second I realized my act of public dream sex, I checked to make sure my pants were dry, then nervously scanned the train to see if anybody was staring, taking pictures, laughing. I was so worried about how I may have behaved during the Bomer boner. At some point, everybody’s had a roommate with an annoying sleeping habit. I mean you know, some people snore really loudly or do other obnoxious things in their sleep. So what if right there in the middle of the train, what if I like was moaning uncontrollably, what if I was saying “Give it to me/uunnnh,” what if I touched myself or, worse, air made out with “Bomer” during my special dream?
Feel like I’ve just had the best orgasm available to mankind. After that I start to think, What are sex dreams about, anyway? There are supposed to be all kinds of scientific ways to tell what your dreams mean by looking at dream symbols. So I do a Google search for “I dreamed I had sex wit a celebrity” and this psychic dude emerges who’s supposed to tell me what sex dreams are about. Here’s what he says:
Sex happens inside the mind. It is what makes lovemaking exciting and fun. Dreams can help to express and maintain this positive fantasy…People who appear in your dreams represent aspects of your own self that you may be unaware of. Famous people usually represent the person you would like to be and to dream of sex with that person indicates that you hope to integrate those qualities into your personality.
I guess that means that according to this dude, I am dying to be a tall, hot white guy with ice blue eyes and an impossibly ripped chest. But that’s not right: I like being small, black, and mysterious. I don’t want to be anybody else but me. But maybe there’s something to be said about the impossibility of it all. Not only is sex with a celeb sort of unlikely, even though I’ve actually worked with Bomer before in real life, but maybe it’s that I feel like in some ways, a gay dude like Matt Bomer would never give me the time of day. He would probably only be into other white or Asian guys, possibly Latino, such as is the case with 99% of gay dudes, which is why I hate America.
The kinds of dreams I usually have are about getting things I really like, but I usually never have sex dreams. They weren’t part of my dreamscape growing up, and I don’t remember having “wet dreams,” though maybe you’re not supposed to remember those. So instead of sex, I’ll dream about something completely random, and right before I wake up I’ll go get something like a box of Chick-Fil-A chicken nuggets (I love those bitches). But I always wake up before I can even put the first nugget in my mouth. It’s all so real that I’m frantically scouring the bed trying to locate those damn nuggets before I’m like, Oh yeah…
I really need to find a top to spin the next time I dream like this to see if it keeps spinning or tips over. But if Inception taught me anything, I guess it’s that it doesn’t matter if it’s real or not! Maybe the sequel to Inception should be about sex dreams. How many levels do you have to go through to plant the seed?