There comes a time in your life when you may have everything going for you: work is going great (oh look! another promotion!); Scandal just uploaded another season onto Netflix; the sushi place down the block now delivers! Yet there seems to be a lull in the romance department – for some odd reason, you just have been single for quite some time and it really hadn’t bothered you. Until you start to agree with some of the following:
You forgot how to kiss or what it feels like to have lips against yours
Kissing is like many other learned behaviors, such as swimming or riding a bicycle — you can’t really forget how to kiss. But you start to wonder what it feels like after a year of staring at your own reflection in the mirror and your smoochers seem to have become a little sad and frown down in disappointment as to not meeting their match in smooching heaven.
You haven’t shaved your legs to the point where you could knit a nice sweater
During the winter months this is completely acceptable because lezzbehonest, no one will be seeing you besides your classmates (for which you will wear a thick pair of sweats) and then you will jump straight into bed and sit on your laptop and maybe cry a little when you find out Nick and Jess break up due to their differences (SPOILER ALERT!)
You haven’t trimmed down there
Now each person is entitled to their own personal grooming habits but generally there may be a mindset that “if it ain’t gonna be seen, why bother?” Perhaps you are more familiar with its first cousin, YOLO?
You have an unfamiliar pouch of fat sitting right under your belly button
At first you didn’t notice because your baggy winter clothing covered everything up and you got around slouching through most of your life in the past few months, but now that warmer weather has arrived… who is this unwanted stranger in your home?!
You are all caught up on the latest shows and have seen most of the popular chick flicks and rom-coms from the past 20 years
Don’t bother checking your Netflix queue to deny this because hey, I saw Pretty Woman last week too and mmmm let me tell you, Richard Gere is simply divine dahlings.
When friends ask you to go out on Friday nights, you lie and say you have “things to do”
This involves chilling in sweats, eating ice cream out of the tub, ordering pizza, and watching those obscure independent films on Netflix you would never admit to watching otherwise. I may have lied previously. Perhaps you have developed a relationship with your pizza delivery man like I have with the man who mysteriously shows up at my doorstep exactly 45 minutes after I make one call with the single push of a button.
You fantasize about your 29-year old Microbiology professor
And eye-fuck him during your four-hour lectures twice a week because that’s just about the only action you can get. It’s a good thing Big Brother cannot see this.
You live vicariously through your friend’s relationships and ask for keen details about their sex lives
Girls love to chit chat with their fellow friends about vivid details that most other people would be repulsed by. Don’t worry: this is a new form of sex! It’s called IMAGINATION and it works by sitting and listening to your very physically active best friend hash out details while you sit there playing with the little pouch of fat under your belly.
Masturbation might actually work but you really have to use your imagination
Again, I will have to plead the fifth on this.
You’re reading this list and have agreed with every single point above
SPRING IS COMING. There is still hope. So get out of bed and go out for drinks with that cute guy in the cubicle across from you or maybe even get some with hot Microbio prof if he’s single (he is!) and use your research paper as a ploy for coffee – he won’t know what hit him.