It took me years to build up, and it took you a month to break down. I will never forget the abyss you plunged me into, the sickening feeling you left when you decided you wanted out and left me for someone else, someone new. I will always blame myself for being insensitive, naive, and maybe complacent that you, of all people, would stay through forever.
I cannot count the days when I will just stare far off and wander, torture myself with my what if and if only scenarios. I functioned well enough to perform tasks without fail but everything felt unreal, like I operated on autopilot just to get myself through the day.
I wracked my brain trying to figure you out, trying to give myself all the reasons you will not give, but I don’t know the answers and now I’ve grown tired. I will never know why you left me, why you thought the relationship was just over, why and how you chose to cheat on me and if you really thought it was worth it. I will never know what she has that I don’t. I am scared to know if I am broken beyond repair.
I have built my life so closely knit with yours that the borderlines were all blurry when we broke. You were not my first love, but you were a great one. You were not only my lover, but I thought you were my soulmate, and you were my best friend. You understood me most, you know the deepest burdens of my heart, you valued me and made me believe we were meant for each other because everything fit like a glove.
It’s been a few years and I’m still here. I think of you less with each month, but when I do, I am always hit with the gut wrenching pain of the totality of what you abandoned, what I lost. I miss the person you were and the person you became, I mourn silently because people want to believe that I’ve moved past everything and that is what hurts me all the more.
I do not want people to know that I’m still in the process of mending everything back together, I do not want them to know I am broken because I’m afraid they won’t understand. I would rather let them think that everything is fine, and let me fight my own demons silently. It will take a lot of time for me to get over you, it’s something that can’t be forced or hurried. I just want to go on my own pace, to accept things as they come.
Getting over you is not a race, but as sure as I am that I do not want to feel rotten all of my life, I am sure that one day I will get through this and get over you. It’s just not today.