After about three weeks of owning an iPhone, I became mostly disenchanted with emojis. I use random heart themed emojis now and then, and occasionally a few faces. Otherwise, my emoji-inclusion habits are sporadic and random at best. But if I had more emojis that actually served a purpose for me, I bet I’d be a better, more dedicated member of #TeamiPhone:
1. Hair Flip Emoji
There is nothing I enjoy more than a well-executed hair flip. Hair flips are arguably the best accent to each brag, humblebrag, and “don’t know why I’m sharing this with you” brag. This emoji would give you the license to be proud of things that are legitimate accomplishments but not necessarily worth bringing up, or not legitimate accomplishments that you want to share to the world anyway. For example, this emoji would make the fact that someone mildly famous retweeted you flippant and silly enough to read while also sharing a pointless, yet satisfying, fact with the world. On a different note, last week I texted most of my friends about my efforts to leash train my cat, and a hair flip emoji would have maybe made my friends less concerned for my wellbeing while also communicating, in implied detail, that this is the life I’m living now and I’m embracing it. A hair flip emoji implies “please help” and “I have thought about my actions and I’m choosing to live this life” equally. It could also, in theory, replace all the moments in which you thank a friend for saying something nice about you.
2. “The Hills Face” Emoji
Until I was 19, I only watched 3 shows with any commitment: Flavor of Love, Rock of Love, and The Hills. For those unfamiliar, every character on The Hills made a face like this (excluding Audrina. I’m not sure Audrina actually existed). These faces communicate basically every possible feeling, and—if included with crossed arms—are practically superpowers. If Apple gave us an emoji that looked like LC dealing with Spencer Pratt, no one would ever actually have to reply to one of your friends explaining an annoying situation. It’s probable that I’m the only person I know in need of this emoji. In every situation where a friend is venting to me, I either don’t say enough, or I end up hypothesizing every possible situation for why x event happened or what x event might cause in the future. This emoji would say it all for me. I’ve tried to create this effect with a selfie, but no one has ever understood what I was trying to do and they were honestly a little bit angry at me.
3. “I Feel Like I’m A Middle School-er” Emoji
Middle school was the single most important time in my life because it was the last time I remember truly feeling the impact of the world around me with full force. I think my disengagement from “life”—you know, or whatever you want to call it—disappeared after I developed the most rudimentary form of shame. Now I have these pressing feelings of “middle-school-ness” that seem very out of place in every situation, but are also completely identical to how I felt when I had a screaming match with my whole family because my brother got a flip phone and I didn’t (shouted “this isn’t fair! ALL I EVER WANTED WAS A FLIP PHONE” and slammed my door). I don’t want this emoji—I need this emoji. I need a way to justify why I sent an all-caps, totally serious message to any of my friends about lukewarm coffee. I need them to understand that I’m aware of how unnecessary I’m being. I don’t want “lol…? relax wtf,” even though that’s probably what I need. I imagine this emoji would look like me sweating profusely through my Hollister shirt, making a peace sign.
4. “This Impractical Yet Obviously Hypothetical Situation Sounds Fun” Emoji
I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time trying to understand what to say when people hypothetically suggest things like, “We should backpack across Europe one year!” or “If you ever write a TV show, I can play a character!” It seems absurd to me that people pose these questions or mention such things, but it happens enough that I have to believe I missed out on some important social lesson. I either say “Yeah,” avoid responding at all, or delve into a self-conscious, borderline mean, obsessive rant about why those things are implausible. I need an emoji that says, “That’s fun to talk about, but should this situation ever occur, I want you to remember that I made absolutely no commitments or plans because this is hypothetical.” The warnings at the beginning of Law and Order that say “These events are fictional and any resemblance to the story is purely a coincidence” were written with people like me in mind. This emoji would look like me, surrounded by all of the friends I would have made if I didn’t decide to explain to them all the reasons why we will never live out of a van together, become roommates, or start a business.
5. Forced Cough Emoji
This emoji would only be applicable when someone is ignoring your texts or when you’re having a particularly good run on Twitter and very few people favoriting you. The simplest way to remind someone that you exist, the single forced cough, never works, is never useful, and is incredibly rude, all things considered. It also couldn’t work online, I imagine, but it never hurts to try. I actually have no idea what this emoji would look like because I’ve never implemented a forced cough, but I’ve seen them in action and I’m always pretty impressed.
6. “I Miss You Profoundly But I Know I Shouldn’t Talk To You” Emoji
One of the hardest things about technology is the fact that someone is always a second away even when both of you are making an effort not to be near each other. I love that accessibility and easy connection when times are good, but it’s also hard to resist when you have a long-time friend turned toxic or a former significant other whom you’re harboring unwanted feelings for. The possible situations for this feeling are remarkably endless. I need this emoji all the time. I want to tell people simply that I miss them even though I’m not speaking to them. I want to let people know that should one of our situations change, I’m right here. I need to acknowledge their significance to my life while taking care of my mental health. This emoji would look like me, not touching my phone, sitting fetally in my bathtub, making note of all the dirt in my bathroom, and missing everyone to death. I want an emoji for that.