1. The American Psycho Pseudo-Christian Bale
You’ve seen it before. The hyper metro-man who spends more time getting ready for the regular workday than your mother does for Easter Sunday mass. He is dressed fabulously well, and clearly spends all available resources to do so. Usually clad head to toe in designer pieces, pseudo-Christian suffers a perpetual fear of contact during rush hour commute. Afraid to touch or brush against any surrounding peasant, he keeps his shoulders and fists clenched but still manages to maintain veritable eye contact with the window mirror to meticulously place that stubborn hair back into its rightful place. Also, he may or may not carry Wet Wipes.
2. The Crazy Man
Disguised in somewhat regular attire, the crazy man may be indistinguishable from his professional counterparts on their commute in and out of work. He starts off slow and easy, usually uttering nonsense under his breath that makes your head swivel and squint closely for signs of headphones conversation (still dupes me) or a hidden cell phone. Soon, he’ll escalate. Maybe he jumps from seat to seat, striking up conversation with random strangers about their cats or breaks into song and serenades the train car. In full force, he’ll most likely propose to at least one member of the opposite sex before the commute is over. He’s harmless.
Usually in his late 50s or 60s, Grumps is always nose-deep in some sort of literature that makes you wonder how much Dramamine he took to read standing up on his commute in and out of the city. Sometimes, he’ll scowl his way through the morning paper; other days, he’ll be on page 789 of a book that you saw he just started yesterday. While Grumps may groan and cough aggressively (intentionally, you cannot decipher), you want to ask what he does for a living because he has to be so damn smart. If approached by Crazy, Grumps blatantly ignores like a pro.
4. Romeo and Juliet Take Public Transit
If there is one seat left open on a rush hour train commute, it’s next to these two, and here’s why. First and most distinguishable characteristic is the blatant PDA; the hand holding, shoulder resting, forehead kissing, leg squeeze—the usual dose of romance that’s required before your morning cup of coffee. This couple has no sense of privacy, or really just don’t care. Oodling and gushing, even in the most silent of fluorescent hums, this couple has absolutely no sense of public boundaries. Watch out for the quick make-out before one prematurely departs from the other…
5. The Musically “Talented”
Variably different per commute. Most likely, it’s the aspiring rapper who, believe me means well, simply terrifies the shit out of the frail old lady or makes the young mother of two scramble to cover her children’s ears in fear of corruption. He’ll flash a toothy, bejeweled smile and start spitting his beat, usually motioning with one hand towards the ground and the other towards crotch-ish area. Occasionally, he’ll have an old-school boombox to accompany his fresh new thread of words, for which he will blare and then enthusiastically promote his newest release of his single, and all you have to do is pay him ten dollars and it’s yours!
6. The Still in High School Young Professionals
Or maybe they’re just called girls. Usually clustered in a group of 2-5, these are the primped and polished “go-getter superwomen” of the era. They’re dressed is the most fashionable of business wear, usually sporting some kind of heel and oversized designer piece for a work bag. As a cluster of girls usually works, chatter volume is at an all-time high, whether it’s about last week’s manicure that inevitably chipped even if they paid the extra $20 or the guy from last weekend who, God forbid, takes 40 minutes to respond to a text. Disclaimer: May or may not be you, dependent on traveling pack numbers…and you know what, that’s perfectly okay.