67 Reasons I Will Never “Make It”
1. Prefer 9+ hours of sleep per night
2. Last name difficult to spell and pronounce, but not motivated to invent and proliferate a pen name
3. Aversion to leadership roles
4. Have gone up to six months without listening to any music besides trance
5. Don’t have bangs anymore*
6. Lack artistic temperament
7. Don’t understand how a chapbook is different than a small book
8. Poorly defined personal brand
9. “The economy”
10. Can’t send an email until its contents are vetted by a third party
11. Often employ figures of speech and clichéd language
12. Computer is a PC which runs Windows Vista
13. No propensity for taking selfies
14. Did less than half of required reading for bachelor’s degree in English
15. No fashion sense
16. Don’t understand what APR financing is
17. Use prowess at “Harry Potter” trivia as interesting fact about self in icebreaker activities but have been outmatched in “Harry Potter” trivia more than once
18. Obsessively research at what age various admirable figures began making it for exclusive purpose of berating self
19. No Twitter or Tumblr presence
20. Lack confidence behind the wheel
21. Have not been photographed by a professional-quality camera since senior portrait by Lifetouch for high school yearbook
22. Too much body hair
23. Fear of socializing online greater than or equal to fear of socializing IRL
24. Don’t know how to write a cover letter*
25. Genuinely believed self to be only one to think of the joke “Mittens Romney”
26. Fear and loathe Brooklyn
27. Have interrupted an improv exercise by saying “I’m sorry, I can’t think of anything” over two times
28. Haven’t already made it
29. Passive in conflict situations
30. In panicked moments, will use the phrase “cool beans”
31. Original concept for this list was that it would have 500+ items on it but did not commit to the joke and opted for accessibility and less work
32. Instinctively distrust older neighbor in a related field’s advice to get a LinkedIn
33. Don’t remember 75% of things learned in high school, 45% of things learned in college
34. Unable to perceive whether self-reference is an attractive literary device for a humorous internet list or whether “meta” is compatible with current trends and innovations in post-post-post-modernist literary e-world
35. Feel alienated by motivational messages
36. Bite nails
37. Lack confidence using hashtags to comedic effect
38. Potential as a sexual object seems limited
39. Have reset Submittable password 3x more often than have submitted via Submittable
40. Annoyed by joke formulae like “It was [mild adjective]. And by [mild adjective] I mean [more extreme and/or diametrically opposite adjective]” but sometimes use them anyway when it seems like it will “land” well
41. No internship experience
42. Typically receive fewer than three Facebook notifications per day
43. Have not obtained a pair of flattering black slacks (“interview pants”) despite 4+ years on the hunt
44. Do watch Mad Men; don’t watch Breaking Bad
45. Limited ability to enjoy or understand literary theory
46. Extremely fragile ego
47. Don’t understand what an equity loan is
48. Have never completed a Sudoku puzzle
49. Tell, don’t show
50. Absence of strict policing of tagged Facebook photos reveals wardrobe to be largely unchanged since 2006
51. Dominated by fear of death
52. Cannot do a pull-up
53. Cannot tidily claim facility with Microsoft Office due to mental block about Excel
54. Unclear on causational relationship between faking it and making it
55. Rely overly on adjectives and adverbs
56. Lack industry-savvy mentor/champion
57. Described by a 7th grade peer: “You are so sarcastic and you sound like Sean Connery”*
58. Never drink coffee
59. Don’t share birthday with any great historical figures
60. Unable to jam, musically
61. Have Googled what AWP stands for over five times and still currently do not remember
62. No practical, theoretical, or ideologically symbolic interest in going outside while it’s raining
63. Have not been demonstrably lucky in raffles and random drawings, poker hands, McDonald’s Monopoly, or being picked as a volunteer from the studio audience
64. Not even one decent celebrity impression up sleeve
65. Actively destroying SEO via indecision over whether to go by “Madeline” professionally as mother strongly suggests
66. Bulk of creative output so far has been “Harry Potter” fanfiction written between the ages of 15 and 19
67. Self-defeating attitude
*Be The Change: Self-Improvement Lifestyle Overhauls Since First Draft of This List
- got bangs again
- am counting completion of the Thought Catalog submission form as a successful cover letter
- had braces removed two years later and lost “Connery-esque” lisp
Although Many of the Items on This List Were Included with a Certain Spirit of Playfulness and Meant to Be Offset and/or Enhanced by the Gentle Irony That the Writing and Attempted Publication of This List Is, in My Mind at Least, a Step However Small Towards Making It, and/or Being a Person Who Writes Things on the Internet, as if It Is a Sidewalk that I Can Not Only Use to Travel from My Home to the Wider World but Also Decorate with Crude Chalk Drawings of My Own Devising for the Pleasure of Whoever Comes to Visit Me, I Am Looking to Receive Literal and Direct Advice on the Following Item
43 (“interview pants.”)