1. Microsoft Outlook
Microsoft is an irresponsible sack of garbage that only decides to crash once you’ve finished typing up a wonderful masterpiece and you’re about to press send. It just knows that you’ll bang your head against the desk in utter agony that can only be compared to the pain you felt the first time you watched Air Bud.
2. Your alarm
Your alarm is also irresponsible. It thinks that it’s just okay to take a day off? It’s NOT OKAY TO TAKE A DAY OFF ALARM. Conveniently, alarm clocks enjoy the glitch of allowing you to press that 10 pound head against that pillow while the rest of the world continues to move, on the days that absolutely require you to be present at your job, family photos, that big sushi date you planned, or your WEDDING.
3. Microsoft Word
Thanks a lot for assuming that I needed to practice writing my documents multiple times because you just “forgot” to save my work before you violently shut down. I needed that. WE ALL REALLY NEEDED THAT TODAY.
4. Pop-up website ads
Researching at work is fun, and clean, until OH MY HELL, oh NO that pop up is scantily clad God-awful and the head of HR was conveniently standing behind me. EXIT EXIT EXIT.
Hey thanks, telephone! I’ve always wanted to be on a reality TV show, where the general public could hear my hilarious conversations about what happened on the South Park episode last night, and the funny jokes I make to Fred, the guy who sits next to me. I just didn’t realize that it would happen in the voicemail of a client, after I pushed the end button on my phone. I never realized the general public would actually just be a CEO.
6. Car Batteries
I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be stranded in the parking lot of Buffalo Wild Wings, but I didn’t expect that the one time this year that my car wouldn’t crank up to life would be in the middle of the Buffalo Wild Wings parking lot ten minutes before a company meeting, IN THE RAIN. Go. Team. Go.
7. Calendar invitations
Oh, sorry. Did you think I meant to send my client a meeting invitation for 4am? Yeah, that’s just what I wanted. I wanted to be creepy. Are you laughing now, calendar? We all get it. So I type in the correct 4pm and send a follow up apology letter, but in doing that, the calendar decided that it needed to fix a few other things as well! Now I’ve sent a two calendar invitations! One invite for 4am, and one for 4pm the week before last week on Sunday! Thanks, Calendar. You sure make me seem professional.
8. The fridge
I wanted to drink a luke-warm Naked Juice for lunch. I just didn’t want to smell it first. Good to know I still have a gag reflex, phew.
Sitting in the middle of a meeting, Rob was asked to attach his mac to the big screen so he could show us his most recent project. Everyone was enjoying the presentation, when that blessed notification popped up in the top right hand of his screen. What did that say? It’s a message! GASP. The message was incredibly well-written. “Wife: I hate your co-workers too. They all suck.”