As much as we like to pretend that our lives are graceful and fantastic, our confidence is not steadfast at all times. It’s absolutely acceptable to make fun of ourselves and relate to each other through the embarrassing things that happen to us, because they happen to us.
1. Talking to someone at dinner while trying to keep attentive eye contact, but struggling to find your straw, leaving you to look like a salivating dog with a neck problem.
2. Typing something really fast while looking in a different direction, feeling impressed with yourself and your typing skills, then looking down and seeing that your hands were shifted two keys to the right and you’ve ACTUALLY been typing like this:
neen yypeing alkje nglahg klk fof upi lmpe jyjsy er.
3. Walking into the comforting warmth of the shower, feeling the steam on your room temperature skin, the water cleansing your face and dampening your hair… and also the socks you forgot to take off.
4. Talking on the phone to your parents, or someone important while in public, and accidentally walking past someone who yells out something wildly inappropriate. Then trying to redeem your self forever.
5. Walking into your Parent’s bedroom and living a similar scarring experience from Chelsea Handler’s “My Horizontal Life”
6. Reading Chelsea Handler’s My Horizontal Life in public.
7. Trying to do something embarrassing without anyone noticing you, only to have the loudest person nearby follow up with a loud, “DID YOU JUST TELL ME TO BE QUIET? WAIT… WHO AM I NOT SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT?”
8. Looking at your reflection in a window as you walk past, and catching someone watching you check yourself out. Then putting your head down in shame and watching them laugh at you.
9. Falling up the stairs.
10. Snapchatting a picture of yourself, pressing “Send” and realizing that you didn’t send it to your best friend Alex, but you sent it to the Alex that you dated briefly your freshman year of college who ended up working at a wildly professional consulting firm. Aaaand he opened it. In a business meeting.
11. Searching someone’s name on Facebook, pressing enter and realizing that you just posted their name as your Facebook status.
12. Going to a party where you don’t know anyone and entering a circle of people before they know who you are, and saying something that’s supposed to be funny but nobody laughs and they just look at you with blank expressions.
13. Having to go to the bathroom in home that is not yours, in a bathroom that conveniently doesn’t have a fan, and walking out to see that someone was waiting to use it after you, then speed-walking away like Napoleon Dynamite.
14. Acting like you know what someone is talking about to avoid looking stupid, and then having them ask you a specific question about the topic, revealing your stupidity and smothering your fire like CO2.
15. When you see your cat staring at you while you’re showering.
16. Being a woman over the age of 27, and being judged for loving your cat more than you love your second cousin.
17. Singing loudly and enthusiastically in your car, and having someone catch you.
18. Accidentally cutting someone off in traffic, and realizing that you’ve become the person you hate most.
19. Waiting for SOMEONE to order a drink at dinner so you don’t feel pressured to order water.
20. Seeing your friend in public, and yelling their name, only to have that person turn around and not be your friend.
21. Typing up a text message to your confidant friend about the date you had tonight, reveling all of your thoughts, doubts, and funny jokes about that person. Giving yourself props for typing the description so quickly, pressing “send” and realizing that you just sent it to the person you were talking about.
22. Unfollowing someone on social media and then getting confronted by that person shortly afterwards.
23. When someone says, “I’ll pay you back later!” Then starts avoiding you, and doesn’t pay you back later.
24. Getting pulled over and seeing people you know pass you in their cars.
25. Walking up to a door while your hands are full and seeing someone in front of you, having optimistic faith in humanity and hope that they’ll open the door for you, only to see it shut behind them, leaving you to juggle boxes, break your fingers trying to open the door, and doing it all again when you realize there are actually two doors to go through before finally entering the building.
26. Trying to pull open a push door.
27. Taking your shoes off in line at airport security, looking at other people’s feet, and seeing people look at your feet.
28. Leaning over the counter in the bathroom to look closely at your face, only to realize that the counter was wet, and not your stomach and crotch are both covered in soapy, communal bathroom water.
29. Ignoring a call from someone who just watched you ignore their call.
30. Accepting a backhanded compliment.
31. Doing a work out at the gym that you don’t practice often, royally screwing it up, and feeling like everyone in the world saw it.
32. Assuming grey work out gear won’t reveal every sweat stain, especially in less than flattering places on your body.
33. Hanging out in public with someone who thinks it’s socially acceptable to fart in public.
34. Writing, because it’s revealing and scary and you’re giving the entire internet the option to ridicule, scrutinize, judge, and criticize you publicly.