You don’t want to end up with a reputation like The Land Before Time movies, do you?
Here are a few things that are over.
1. Sending chain mail threatening the receiver with unfortunate events and death if they don’t “Forward to 20 friends.” Was there ever any motive to forward those emails in the first place? This wasn’t a marketing scheme, and it wasn’t cute, so who started it and how can marketers meet them? Also, how can we kill them?
2. Making jokes about how ridiculously angry you are about the waiter saying, “Is Diet Pepsi okay?” Yep. We all get it. We’ve been there. We’ve tweeted the same thing 500,000 times. Diet Pepsi is NOT okay. Water is okay. Get water and shut up.
3. Snapchatting ugly pictures of yourself, telling everyone about it, and using it as some form of initiation into “real” friendship. “You know you’re my best friend when I snapchat you ugly pictures of myself.” K.
4. Posting cliché quotes to everything. “Not all who wander are lost” and “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” or “dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today.” These quotes are TIRED. Please do not deface pictures of scenery with those over-used words either. It’s giving the world heartburn.
6. Uggs and Crocks are only to be worn indoors. They can also be worn if you are standing in a hate-fire pit waiting to die. Bye.
7. Posting pictures and statuses claiming that your niece and dad are “The best in the world!” Is your dad really better than mine? Reeeaaaalllyyy? He looks just as old as mine, maybe a little fatter, and they probably all make the same jokes. Don’t we realize that we’re embarrassing girls with Daddy issues when we post those? Anyone? Anyone?
8. Calling yourself “Awkward” or “Nerdy” if you’re not. Describing yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth, and most of the time you’re just describing what you want to be instead of what you are. “Nerdy” isn’t “I read The Great Gatsby and Peter Pan and have a thesaurus app.” Awkward isn’t, “cute.”
9. Caring about Instagram likes, or Instagram followers. This sucks and will only make you feel sad and rejected.
10. Harlem Shake. No. NO. NOOOOOOOO. This is NOT what the Fox said. Do NOT come in here like a wrecking ball PLEASE.
11. Fashion Blogging. It’s too late to start now, my friends. Fashion blogging is the scrapbooking of the Internet. Unless you’re building a fashion blog with the intention to make fun of yourself 15 years from now, don’t take those bangle bracelets so seriously.
12. Long Distance relationships. Good luck with that one. We’re all tired for you.
13. Vine. What used to be wonderful and hilarious took a turn down “kill yourself” road, and people think it’s okay to take six second videos chasing kids around a dirty house. To those who can still make a Vine I’m inclined to watch more than three times like Jordan Burt (@imfauxreal), you are the only reason that Vine still exists.
14. Tweets that ask you to RT them. I can’t RT that tweet because I can’t show everyone I’m a push over, why did you have to do that to me? And now I feel bad because I feel defiant when I favorite and don’t RT the tweet. Can’t. Win.
15. Posting pictures of your Starbucks. Now we know you’re comfortable with wasting ½ of an hour’s pay on a drink. You don’t have to say no to that awesome dark green emblem and your name spelled wrong on a cup. Starbucks is awesome and we all do it. Just stop with the pictures and for the love of all that is pumpkin DO NOT caption it with a cliché quote PLEASE.
16. Pretension through Veganism, Vegetarianism, Cross-Fit, and Juice Cleansing. Have I made my point yet? Stop talking about it. Muscle weighs more than fat blagh blagh. How much time is spent thinking about their bodies vs. time spent thinking about real life issues and ideas? I wouldn’t know because they’re eating a gluten free cookie and being better than the rest of the world.
17. YOLO… Oh. I’m sorry I thought you said “justification for reckless irresponsibility” my bad.
18. Voicemail prompts that tell us how and when to leave a voicemail. WE KNOW!!!!!!!!!! WE KNOW HOW!!!!!! WE SERIOUSLY DO!!!!!!!!
Let’s just take a moment to appreciate the fact that “Fetch” never happened.