Kill, Marry, Bang: The Great Gatsby Edition

Brendon Burton
Brendon Burton

Kill: Tom Buchanan

I would kill that hulking brute of a man so hard his big hulking brute of a jaw wouldn’t be capable of letting condescending, cheating words come out. Not only does he have massive fat potential, but also he’s blatantly receiving temporary validation from tangible items and social status. Tom is a tall, hulking glass of insecure and alcoholism elixir. His priorities point the moral of his character in one direction: Selfish. The worst kind of lover is a selfish one, because he doesn’t realize that you’re actually a human with feelings and needs. Oh, and if he realizes he is obligated to remain loyal to you, (which he won’t) he’ll just tell his mistress to call herself his “massage therapist” because he’s a LIAR.

Remember when he told Wilson that Gatsby killed Myrtle? Me too.

Bang: Gatsby

I know, I know. He seems like the obvious “marry” in this situation.

In most cases, I would definitely agree that he is a human I would want to lay next to every morning for the rest of my life. Watching the sun glimmer ever so softly, a gold hue and shadow drifting on his perfect back muscles while he breathes deeply in a state of unconsciousness that remains aware of my presence. That’s the fifteen-year-old in me, the beautiful little fool, the best thing a girl can be, just begging to give into the aesthetics of things because they’re striking.

When you take a second look at Gatsby, his decisions and motives make it quite clear that he isn’t a sustainable life partner. He is insecure with his background, and doesn’t grasp onto the concept that life is about building an empire with the one you love in order to celebrate it fully. He could have had Daisy in the fleeting moments of youth, where all they had was a mattress and dreams for the future, but he was ashamed of who he was.

He couldn’t love himself, so he wouldn’t let her love him either. There is nothing so attractive as loyalty and nobility, and few things less attractive than deceptiveness and deceit. He stops at nothing to reach the top, even though his dealings are dishonest and vapid. He also should have known that homewrecking is never okay. It’s just NOT OKAY.

That beautiful face and chiseled back only ask for a simple one-night bang. After I left his mansion on the West Egg, I would sob softly because… I’ve never seen such beautiful shirts before. It would be rough, but marriage with Jay would never be sustainable.

Marry: Nick Carraway

People are livid, I’m sure. Contrary to popular belief, Nick is the most eligible bachelor in the book. He is handsome and simple, buying a nice cottage tucked away in a fantastic location on the West Egg in order to write and be calm. He isn’t afraid of a little adventure, and enjoys himself thoroughly when he attends lavish parties.

Instead of comparing himself to the world of materials surrounding him, he befriends and analyzes it. He isn’t afraid of meeting people, but he prefers to make and keep meaningful relationships with people he respects. He has a moral compass, and knows that he cannot continue dating Jordan (the famous golfer) because she has a tendency to fib about ridiculous things. Nick observes people, and tries to understand the inner workings of their minds. He practices empathy and sympathy. This is so important in a husband because he will understand you.

The pressing reasons why I submit that Nick would be the husband-worthy character is because he is loyal and true. He sets himself apart by putting others before him, and doing things for his friends even when it doesn’t benefit him directly. He refuses Gatsby’s money when it is offered, and he leans towards making an honest living with his writing. He stays loyal to Gatsby, and is the only one at his funeral.

Nick Carraway is a lion heart of a man that I would marry the hell out of. We would build an empire of books and dreams while we watched the green light flash on the edge of the sunset for the rest of our days. Remaining the richest of all the characters around us, with intangible purpose that money cannot beat, and hard times cannot diminish. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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